Xtremly Scray 2 - Revenge of the Sues
by Lullaby of Broadway
Summary: Warning - some of this parody is extremely goofy (and intentionally poorly written). Taking it seriously is not advisd, but viower excretion is. Please read the real My Immortal before reading this - otherwise it makes no sense. Rated T for stupidly written sex scenes and misspelled swears. Now with 45% more Mary Sues!
1. Chapter 1

XTREMLY SCRAY 2: Revenge of the Sues

Legit AN: We're back, baby! After a year of bad-fic reading, I have more than enough material for XTREMLY SCRAY 2! Warning: it's nuthin' but Sues. The XS universe is getting a little bit bigger every day – meet Sunset Moonstone and Cindy Leigh Lee. Love ya! – Amber

Storm's AN: Hi gyz! Buffy and i justice got bak frum oar honeymewn becaus I luv u Bufy! THankzie for hlepin me wit da storie and speling and stooff. Justin (ma boifrend) yur da luv of ma derpyrezzing lif u rawk two. I luff u both! Preps donut flam!

Cindy's AN: Hey guys, I'm Cindy Leigh Lee, I don't own HP 'cause I ain't rich. My sister Mindy Leigh Lee said Draco was really out of character because he had angsty shower sex with Harry, but see for yourself. Kisses!

HOT TOPIC'S POV:

Hi, my numb is Hot Topic Shadow Ra'ven Goffica Elvira Deathshade Dragona Corset Fis'hnet Exxorcist Samara Vampirica Eyeliner BiGuuyzz Demetria Satanista Misery Mikey Joel Gerard Shadow Kawaii Slytherina SixSixSix D'eady Shadow Dethstucchsin Shadow P'e'n't'a'g'r'a'm' Draculana Buffy BloodRose, but u can calla me Whole Topic or Whore Topic ro Bufffine or Eliner or Sarama or Hot Topic. Today I was weering a back MCR T shirt with pitchures of Gelatin Way making out with Draco, blac ripe jeans, lback socks, black Vans (AN: I figured oot how to wear carz ass shoos!) blark Lipschitz, blakc eyelyner (thats how i got de "eyeliner" in ma nam), blakie fishednets, and blacfk eyesshadown. It haddd beein two weaks since I cilled Voldemprt with ma Abracadabra spell. I was sittin nexust to Draco on da Hogwertz Expresso in a goffic coffin.

"Your sew sexxy", Draoc said in a deepressed voiz. "Do u wanna skrew mee?"

"I dew, duh." I tuck off my blac ripped dress and red filthnet tights. I eveeen took off my bar. Drao took off his vloths and ma blacked lacy unserwear. Den he putted his thingie into ma u-now-whut and we did it in the cawffin. "Oh! Ooh! Oh!" I said as I gut an organza. Dundlydore ran in yelling "What the hell are you doing you motherfukers!" but we cept screwing. Suddenly I sawes a preppy girl with a pickn t-shirt with glittier on it. She had white jeans aind pik congress shoes. Nuthin un her cloes weres black! She wulkd over 2 ma coffin where draco had his boys thingy in mine.

"Hi Hot Topic!" she said n a pink voce. "My neme is Sunset Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake MoonStone!"

I gasped.

SUNSET'S POV:

Hi there, little ol' reader! My name is Sunset Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake Moonstone! I was born at sunset, that's why my name is Sunset! Until I was going to be born at sunset, I was going to be called Cynthiella Leighanna, which is such a pretty name anyway so they gave it too me as a middle name. My parents also named me Snowflake because I'm such a special snowflake! I'm also half Japanese (although you couldn't tell from looking at me, I look like my mom) so my dad named me Tomoko because that's a pretty Japanese name. I'm also named Hermione because that's my favorite HP character and I couldn't wait too meet her at Hogwarts! I'm named Charity, Grace, and Mercy because I'm so charitable, graceful, and merciful. I'm named Johnnina after Johnny Rockets, my favorite member of my favorite boy band, Blue Attitude! They are all so sexy but Johnny is the sexiest of them all (marry me Johnny! He's mine!) I'm also named Indigo because that's my favorite color! I'm also named Thor because Chris Evans is sooooooooo sexy too (but not as much as Johnny!) I'm named Sapphire because that's my birthstone and Libra because that's my star sign (my birthday is September 29th!). I'm named Tylerelle, Williamella, Deaninine, and Jacka after the other four members of Blue Attitude in order of their sexiness: Tyler, William, Dean, and Jack. Jack's kind of old and ugly. I don't like him. But Tyler, William, and Dean are so hot! But I still like Jack enough to name myself after him. He seems nice. I'm named Mindy 'cause that's my little sister (love you girl!) and Irene, Sarah, and Hayden 'cause those are my BFFs! I'm named Peony because I love The Hunger Games and that's my Hunger Games name! I'm from District 1 because all of the other districts are gross. Anesthesia is my favorite name because it's like the princess of Russia. When I have a baby girl after I get married (ideally to Johnny Rockets) I'm going to name her Anesthesia. And I'm named Snowflake because I am such a special snowflake! I'm so pretty and sexy! I was sitting in the back of the Hogwarts Express with my friends Irenetta, Sarannah, and Haydeline. I was wearing a crimson dress with ruffles and my silky blonde hair was up in a high ponytail held up by a cobalt blue scrunchie. All of a suddenly, I saw a mean looking gothic girl having sex with Draco Malfoy in a coffin. I was so upset because I was hoping to have sex with Draco. But I was going to be nice to her, so I walked up to her coffin. "Hi Hot Topic!" I said in a pink voce. "My name is Sunset Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake Moonstone!"

She gasped.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Legit AN: Yes, I know:

A: Chris _Hemsworth_ played Thor and Chris _Evans_ played Captain America.

B: Johnny Rockets is a diner.

C: Anastasia Romanov was a "grand duchess", not a princess.

Storm's AN: Buffy I'm so sorry I'm in loov wit Justin but hez a fukin sexbawb. I want to sex u both can i? Aslo perps stup flamin!

Cindy's AN: Thanks to Mindy, Irene, Sarah, and Hayden! I love you guys! Also kisses to my BF Danny (but even more kisses to Johnny Rockets ur so hawt!) Hope you guys love Sunset as much as I do!

HOT TOPIC'S POV: I lucked at Susnet sexily. She had boldn hair is a hi ponitell and now blank on her ootfit at al! I culd tell she qanted to sex Drako too! "WTF!" I yelled at her! Ihave angry issues. Susanneset uzed to be sitting next 2 3 poser girls and teheir table was next to th tableau with… Cecilia Joy Pink! Cecilian was starring at me wih her pink eyes and sittling with Georgia, Daphne, Madeline, and Hunter the Poser. They were preps! I stuck my middle fnignger up at al niner preps. Luna Loverlygood, who was now goffique and ian Slytherman, and namid Shelly (gddit lk hell?) screamed at Sunset.

"Hey Hawt Tawpic," Sunet sasid, "can u move over? I wanna screw Drako." I said no.

Shelly screamed.

Unset locked sad as Drago got an organism. She went black (geddit, I lk blak) to her talbotle and she and her frinds Inrenetta, Sarabi, and Handeline. They started wutching that preppy movi Dubble Indemnity. Draco and I finished serewing and we put on or clothes. I saw wearing a black minidress with a picture of me and Buffy making out. I wuz also werina blazk stilton boots (geddit cus they were made of cheese), blank fhishnests, and my here was up in a messy bun. Draco was wearn an ootfiot made interly of blak eyeliner. We went over two the tweable with Pluto Potter, Vespa Painflower, Seleno and Penty Slipknot, Daisy, and Shadow (AN: Justin dis is u!). They were playing in Bloody Cliché Rose 6,666. I frenched Ploto and Shadow befor sniging Helene by MCR. I thout of Geord Way and I gut an orgazim on stage. Plunko was wearin a blac rippd t, wif vans and rpped pantz. So was Slento an Showdo. Penty, Vesper, and Daisy were wearing a long dres with a pictur of Snake and Loppin doinit in an empty hal with Dobby eatching. Suddenli, I nhad in idea!

"Imo noto okayo, mi cremicly romachio!" I tryed to shot da goffic xpell at Snusnet but I hit Celsiusa andstead! Cecilia became a prep! Shelly screamed.

SUNSET'S POV

The girl in the pink dress in the next table over fell to the ground and her dress turned black with a picture of Marilyn Manson making out with Gerard Way. She yelled "I am no longer Cecilia Joy Pink! I am Nightshade!" The goths across the train car started cheesing her name. They carved her name out of a block of cheese and then they gave it to her. Shelly screamed.

All of this took away attention from me.

"That was weird," Irenetta, Sarannah, and Haydeline said. The guys across the train and Nightshade started cutting their wrists with steaks. They didn't get very far because they were slabs of meat. Then they silted their wrists with mud. "You should go talk to them, girlfriend!" Irenetta, Sarannah, and Haydeline reassured me. I got up, flipping my long blonde hair as I walked like a model.

"Hi! I'm Sunset Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake Moonstone! I was born at sunset, that's why my name is Sunset! Until I was going to be born at sunset, I was –"

"SHUT UP!" They all yelled. Their loss.

Suddenly Seleno took out his wand. He aimed it at me!

I started to cry. Seleno said the goffic spell but it missed me and hit Daisy. She was already goffic, so it didn't do anything to her. I ran away crying and closed the door to my compartment behind me so their goffic spells wouldn't hurt me. I saw the guys in the next compartment over crying. Cecilia was so goffic. Irenetta, Sarannah, and Haydeline complimented me all the way to Hogwarts. Suddenly everyone on the train gasped. It was… Voldemort! He was waiting for us at the train station!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Legit AN: Blue Attitude's not a real band by the way.

Storm's AN: Justin ur sew hot mari me! Sorry Buffi but Justin iz sex awn legs maybe we can shaer him? Also thank Buffie for hr hlep wif da sleplling.

Cindy's AN: No thanks to all the losers who flam! Get a life! Mindy you're the best!

HOT TOPIC'S POV LOL!

I was jus abbott to half sex wit Pluto Poter but den i saw Clodemort. He was so unsexy with his uglie whiit skin and no nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie). It was…Coldemort!

I started cringing tears of blood. Some Hufflepuffs wer screming, so us Cylinderins sucked their blood. The Ravenclaws were watching a non-goffic movie lik Mrs Miniver or or Lif of Pi. Dumblydork ran out of the trian.

"Abracadabra!" He yelled Volxedmort ran awsay from every1. We all got off the treen. Ceclia made some morbid jokes, evn tho she ws now Nigntshad. Weo went int the Grate Hall wif the pink pant underneath the black pant. We were all gonna get sawrted by the Sorting Hat (although we cal him Hades now)0 and he sang a srupid song. Loopin was masticating over by da otter teechers. I wuz waching Saw IX on my Linking Park Mobile. Suodenly da Swording Hat stooped sniging.

"Cexilia Joie Pink!" He yelled out dramitackly.

"Whut!" Nineshade yelled. "My nam is no Ninashad!"

Suddelny Hades da Sorting Hat took ot his wond. He cried "Hair of Blonde and Lip Gloss Smell, I save this poor goth from hell!" Suddonly Sesilia turne back in2w a prep! Cencilia ran up too da Sortin Har. Suddenly da Sortin Hat turned pink! He was a prep!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1111111111111111111111" I yellowed at the Sorting Hat. "I thoot u wer a goff."

"Wrong, Enoby!" He moaned statistically. "I wuz alweez a prep!" Then he started sorting peeple. He sorted dem all into Griffinder! The Griyfiondoors were so happy and th Silveryns were sad. The Hufflypufflies were waiting to get eaten by vampires and the Ravineclaws were in dere conmen room watching a preppy movie lik Gardians of da Galaxie or On de Waterfrunt or Netwerk.

"Wrong Weasley!" Sa sortin hat whispered loudly. Selenpo walked up to tea hat and putt it on. "Grifindawr!" Suddenl Ron turned int a prep! He changed his nam to Ron Wesley again! I no lunger waned to sex him. "I'm gunna turn al da reel goffs into preps!"

An idea I had!

"Mi cremically romachio, imo noto okayo!" I shut it at the Sortin Hat but it derflected off hiiim and on2 that prepie gil Sunsett!

I gasped.

SUNSET'S POV:

My fabulous blonde hair moved into my face. It used to hang so gently, framing my face like angel feathers, but suddenly it covered both of my eyes like William's long and perfectly groomed hair in the music video for "Sexy Face" (I love that song!). But now my hair looked all disgusting. It turned from its original heavenly blonde to a murky brown color disgustingly. The fabulous golden waves that looked like a field of grain in the morning sun turned into a raven black straight rat's nest that resembled the raven feathers of a black raven. My wintry skin that looked like the snow in the 1:53 in the afternoon sunlight got even paler like a corpse in the fluorescent lighting of a funeral home. All the fabulous rosiness in my skin turned to hideous paleness. My sapphire eyes became icy blue like limpid tears. My fabulous pink spaghetti strap floor length dress with ruffles and from American Eagle turned into a black t shirt with My Chemical Romance's increasingly beautiful faces with rips on the shoulders and on the belly. You could now see my belly! The shirt looked so good over my giant boobs and really tiny waist. I also had on ripped black jeans that showed my deathly pale knee! I was wearing Converse shoes that were as black as my hair that, instead of a star, had a picture of Joel Madden of Good Charlotte fame. I was wearing black socks that came up to my pristine ankles. I was a goth!

Also, Cecilia got turned back into a prep, but she isn't me, so who cares?

I yelled to the ceiling, which was covered in hanging candles that made my hair look like a black panther at midnight. "I am no longer Sunset Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake MoonStone! I am Vampirella Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake Moonstone!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Legit AN: Finally, someone who can spell…

Storm's AN: Prepzies Stup da flimming! Buffy ur so hat and so is Justin. I want2 sex u both!

Cindy's AN: Goths, stop flaming!

HOT TOPIC'S POV (LOL)

The pink prep was no long Sinsut Cyntiella Lena Snowface Tomorrow Herminine Cherry Gray Merc Joanine Indiana Tho Sapire Libre Towelerelle Willlla Ninine Jack Mandy Ireland Sasha Hayden't Peeney Anastasia Snowflack MoonStone, she was Vampirella blah blah blah blah blah blah MoonStone. She was a goffic! Shelly screamed, but all of a Sudan she put on the put on the Sort of Hat and became a prep! SHE CHONGED HER NAME TO LUNDI LOVEGOOD! Snape startd to cri ters of blood. I had an idea! I took off my blak MCR minskirt and McRomance Shirt. Draco tuk of his clothes 2. We had sex in the middl of da Grate Hall. All the preps in Ravencowl and Grifeendor screemed and all the posers in the Grifendel talble gasped and all the Hufflepuffs just kinda stared ahead blankly. All the Slytherins ran ot of the Grate Hall becuz the sortin' hat was gonna sor everyun into Grifnedor. Seleno and Shelly were stil preps, but wed wedre gunna watch Underwerld two so we were all happi. I tulked ta Vampirella.

"So, I herd yo wanned to put Drakon's thingie into your you know what." I moaned sexilly. I knew she wanted to sex me.

"Yeah!" She roared. I was so mad at her for wanting to do it with draco. But I was wearing a black GC t with a picture of Simple Plan on the front and a black corset miniskirt.

"Do yo like MCR?"

"Yeah!" She roared. I thougt about screwing Pluto Potter but then Vampella world screw Darko! We wlaked into the Slytherin Common Rum and put on Undorworld 2. Then an ideoo I had! I tuck of dRACO's black leather underwear and pants and pulled down my black lacie underwar. He put his thingie into my u know what and WE HAD SEX AND NOW WE ARE IN LOVE!1111111111. I decided that if i wantd to kep Vanprella from sexing Draco I had to sex him forever! A lady stuud behind us and told is "Your gong to half to leaf." She was a prep so I sucked her bood. She droped to da flor and she was dead. Suddenly Irealized hu the prepy landy was. It was Doris Rumbridge!

I gasped.

SUNSET'S POV LOL!

Wait a second! I just realized I haven't rhapsodized about my back story yet! I was born at sunset (that's how I got my name) to a Japanese father Donny Moonstone who was also a wizard and a white mother Amanda Jane Moonstone who is also a witch. I mostly look like my mother but I have huge eyes like an anime character which I guess I got from my dad because he's Japanese. I never knew my parents though because they were killed by Voldemort when I was one-year-old. He killed them with the killing curse, which was so sad like, you don't even know. But when he tried to kill me the curse bounced off me but not after making me more beautiful. Voldemort ran away crying. I had to grow up in a sad, sad orphanage, where the mean biatch of a headmistress Miss Hortense Meenmin who beat me and all the other girls too. She made me clean up after myself! I was like a slave only I'm white so comparing myself to a slave is so insensitive to black people, so I was like an indentured servant. Everyone said I was a mud blood but I was a pure blood and they knew it! But all of that doesn't matter because I was friends with Little Orphan Annie! Every time Miss Meenmin beat me she would sing "Tomorrow" and we were all so happy! But then Miss Meenmin sent me away to live with an even more abusive foster family the Blackhearts (no relation to the wonderful Sirius Black). The father Henry Blackheart made me live under the stairs even though it was nice and spacious and heated and air conditioned and I had everything I ever wanted it was still so tragic. The mother Jennifer Blackheart made me a plate of cookies every morning and it was so traumatic. The uncle Melvin was such a perv sometimes he looked at me when I was only wearing a shirt and jeans. The brother Kyle Blackheart sometimes punched me while we were boxing and it was so awful. The sister Lana Blackheart wouldn't let me borrow her lipstick once so I cried all night because she was so abusive. Also I think somebody raped me once, I don't know, I need rape in my back story if I want to be sympathized with. When I was eleven I got a letter from Hogwarts and Henry and Jennifer and Melvin and Kyle and Lana were all like "Okay, go. Have fun Sunset!". It was so awful. I was sorted into Gryffindor because I'm a prep and that's where I met Sarannah, Irenetta, and Haydeline. They were so nice and they didn't care about how I looked just my personality unlike the cheerleaders at Hogwarts Hannah, Caitlin, Jasmine, and Ivy. They were such sluts, sometimes they looked at boys! They were so conventionally pretty, I hated them. But Irenetta, Sarannah, and Haydeline and I talked about Blue Attitude and how much we all wanted to have sex with Johnny Rockets. It was awesome, and now I'm in the seventh year!

Also, I had just become a goth and renamed myself Vampirella Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake MoonStone! I am Vampirella Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake Moonstone.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Legit AN:

Storm's AN: Preps sutop da fire! Ur jost jeluzz tat u dint cum up wit Hole topink Bloodross! Bufi et Jistin u rok!

HOT TOPIC'S POV:

I wus seeeeeeeeew exy wen i suked al of Ombridge's bold. I was so sexy Darcol sexed me again right dere. Al da otter peeple crapped. This must have been because I looked so sexy. Unbridge screemed. Soddernly she turreted into a gothic! She was werin a black MCR Minniedress and height helled bots. Als das slitherings yayed but not dese Garffingdorts and these Hofflingpuffs and Rovingclaws.

Suddenli a tal man ran thro te dor! He was weraing spicky brun haire and a blak shirt with a picture of me, Strom Wlufsband, on it. He asw asl wern blank pants. It wuz… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … Ewdard Cullen! He was riding on a broomstink! "Eboby!" He yellowed at meep. "Thas preps are cumming to destoie yo! So I'll brought mes cameos stupids! Suodenli the camos al rann tru da dewr. Enoby Darkknees Demeter Raven Way, Look Skillwalker, Homie Simpon. Philip J. Fri, and Morti McFli, Spongbomb Squeenpants, Lislie Nope, ET, Batmun, Elsa da Snew Quen, Micky Muss, Kathness Evondean, Toni Stark, Barnie da prople dinosort, Snow Wight, Willi Wnoka, Ebonizer Scroggie, Jean Vuljun, Da Maze Runner Guy, Froyo Baggins, Liz Lemon, and Aslun da Lion all ran into the rum. I gasped. Sundayly, a gotic man wit a goffic fedora and a gothic whip (geddit, like the whip that Serverus tuk oot to whip Dranko). It wuz… … … … … … … … … … Indyana Jones! He was wering a gofique band T wit a pifture of MCR playing Nrivana no it. He ws wering plack riped pants and Congress shoes. "Hot Topic BlondeRose! I have Breeking noos for u! Da sortin' hat is turnin all the new frsit yeers into preps! We need to sutp it "

"I alreedy new dat, u son of a bitca!" i wus so senxy.

Sondheimly Indeena Jonz sumonned evan more cammieos! Mistear Incredible, Rawn Brungundy and his buddies Champ King, Bryin Santana, Brink Tamlund, and Vernonnica Cornerstone, Don Druper, Glinda de good Wish, Lignting MCQueen, Normun Bats, Hanibull Lectur, Rawxie Heart and Velma Kelli, Traci Turnblad, Princess Tennana form te Princuss and th Frog, Annie Hal, Das Gardinans of d Galazy (even to der from a preppy movi), Eliza Dewlittle, Gruzabella te Glamur Cat from Cats, Atticus Finc, Peter Venkmen, pffrincess Ariel, Rogre Rabbit, Marge Gunderson, Johny Strabler from The Widl One, the Tiger from Life of Pi, the Kid frim Life of Pie, Dances with Wulves, and Nomi Malone frum Showgrills! I gasped again.

I was werin a blak mini wit a pictrure of Jol Madein, blak combat bluets, blk fistnet stalkings, amd a gothic top hat with feathers in it. Dranto was sweating a blak ripe t wint blackness on it and no pants cuz he ws screwin' me. Photon Potter ws wearin a blak leather t shirt with a blak leaker pants and a blak leather shoees and a black leathr hat. Vaniprella swsa wearing sa blak ripped corset leathere mine dress. Daisie was sewing a red mini that was all black. Vesper Pinflower was wearing a blak top and blnk rpped genes. Penty Silpnot was wearing a blkca foorlenght dress and leather hi hells. Seleno was wern a gothic cutting session lung sleeved T-shirt and Leather pnats. Dumbliedore ran by and yeled about "Wutdahellsaruedoinumotherfukers!" AND WAS WEARING a pink Avril Lavigne Robe. Celcilina Pink Joy was a prep agent and was worn a pink dress with no Vampre blod. So was Shelly. Pilip Jay Fries forgot to bring an extra set o clothes szo he was stil werning his preppy red windbreaker, wite shirft, and blue jeans. Morti Mcflying was wearing a blak band t and parnts and Vans. Lucky Stylewalker was wearing a blak shirt wit MCR being sexy wift me, Holt Tonic BloodRows. And pants, too. Every1 but Draonc and the gils wering dresses was werng pants. Endwards Calling was wering a blak pear of pants with pictures of pears on them. Homer Sipsos was goffic (geddit, xuz im gotinge) and wering a blak shirt and blue pants. SponogeBulb Squickpants was wering a black verzin of his normal otfit. Luslie Knot was werngo a black leathermini. ET was wrng a black giant T winth Slipnuts on it. Bathman was wearing a bat man suit with swear werds on it. Elza se Snew Kween was weraring a blak leather dlres adds a plak leather cape. Minky Moss wease wearing a blak parr of pants. Katniss Enderden saw earing a vlakc dres that wus so lew it showerd her clearage. Ton of Stark wae waering a blak Iron Man sut sif a picutre of Drao on it. Barne was werning a giant blak TSHIRT! Sneeze White was wearing a dark blue dres cus at Hot Topic the store )Lol, Hot topink's name is Hort Topi( they were out of blak clothers. Wilky Wonka was werning a blaknc T shirt and ripped gothic jeans. Evbenezedr Scrooge as wer ing a blak leather pants and no shirt to shew off his six pack. Jon Baljean ws werarn a blak leather janket and red leather pankts cus his blak wons were dirty. The guy from the Maz Runner just ran away because I didn't learn his name in an entire year. Frodo Bagglings was wearng a long blak naptsn and a thirts. Lisa Lennon was werianig a blak leateher corset and a blak mini. Ulsan te Lyon was wernt a blak t winth s pitcher of Jolly Madden datin' Hilary fukkin Duff I fujking hat dat vitch!

Indrana Jonz saw warering a blaak otfit with MCR lirix and swear words all over it in blak letters. Misted Increbible was wering a blak Increzibles unform wit the HIM sign insted of an i. Wrong Burgundy was warring a blak suit that made hum look good and he told evrey1 too com and see how good he looked. Chap Kind hadx on a blak t shirnt wi th a picut of Emoby Dirnkees Demnta Ravn Whey on int and ao prear or pands. Bryant Funtona was waering a blak corsent wit pantz two. Brunk Tumlind waswering a blak neon shirt and ripped jeans. VerMonica MorningStone was wringing a bckal ripped mini su u culd c her blly. Dawn Draper was wearing on a blak suit with vans. Glenda good wish had on a blak poofy dress wi a leather tiara. Linting Mkkean was panted blak but u coud see there was pink pant underneath the black pant. Normen Baytz was weain a blak band t shirt wif a leather par of pants. Hanibl Lecture was wering blak leather jacket wand pants. Ronxie Hard and Vulma Kely was waweins a rippe corsent and a blak oofy skirt. Trancy TruckBlad wsas wearing a blak band dress. Pruncess Tina was wering a blak mini tha shewed her bewbs. Annie Hall were weairing a blak short drss and a blak leather hat. The Gurdians of the Glaxy were wedaing blak blothes wit pinktures of me punching Celexia Joy Oink. Elisa Dolil was wern A BLACK LEATHER MINISKRIT AND A T SHIRT WITH ME AND EBONY DIRKNESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY BEONG FROENDS! Grusablella ghe galmor cat was wreng a blk lother corset and mini. Andycus Finch are wearing a blak leather corset business suit. Petre Vunkman as wea

Ring a blak ghostbusters uniform made of corst. Princus Arul was wearing a blak seashell bra and her tail was blk. Rodger Rubbit was wering a blak otfit with wictures of goffic bands on it. Marg Gundoson was wrng a black maternity dress with blak conveers shews. Johnny Scrabbler was wern a blakc leather jacket and jeans, sew bascally his canon outfit. The tiger frum th lif of pie wsa wearing nuthin' cuz hes a tyger. The kind from th lyfe of pi (geddit, lk the chornicles of lyf and deeth.) was wneinge a blak pere of pants and Gold Crhallot minishirt. Danking iwth worves was wering a blak leather jeans and a blue shirt he died blak. Normi Manole wsas wraeing a neon blak mini wit not pink aniwhere on it. Yay for that.

I gasped.

SUNSET'S POV LOL!

Hot Topic was wearing a black mini with a picture of Joel Madden, black combat boots – {LEGIT AN: Sunset went over what everyone was wearing again, so I edited it all out. You're welcome. – Amber.}

Hot Topic gasped.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Legit AN: I'm out of costume ideas.

Storm's AN: OMFS Buffyx can we hav a goffic cuttn sessen?! Preps staep flamng

Cindy's AN: Mindy says that everyone is out of character in my fic. I don't see what's so ooc about Draco wearing MCR sweatpants and having angsty sex with Harry Potter?

HOT TOPIC'S POV LOL!

Me an das cameos and mi friends were ready ti gifht the evil preps. Seleno wwas a prep and wearing slutty pink clothes. I hated dat seeeeeeeeeew much. I had a samurai sword and so dind Vamprllea. we walled into the Grivendor conmen roon and saw the preps! I shotted my wound at Ron Westley and I welled 'Crookshanks'!1111111111111111111111111111111 Ron died. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 yelled Pnety Slipkont. I was so sexie when I killed her bruther.

All da cameos ran away, so I just wasted all of last chapter describing what they were all wearing, didn't I?

It was snowing and raining otside. Sondendly I hred of a concert at Hogsmets wif MCR, GC, Nrivana, Slipknuts, and Amie Leeeeeeeeeeee! We ran offside to the concert. Sleno Slipknot came back to life wif da musik of MCR and stopd bein Ron. We saw GC tuck the stag. They sang a goffic cuver of a Villige Peeple song.

"In da navy, yes u cen sell da se7en sees!"

"In da navy, yes u can putt er mind at ez!"

We all moshed goffically. Suddenly Jolly Madden TOOOOOOOOOOOK off hisz mask and so did de odder members. They were… … … … … … … … … … … … … … Cecilica Joy Pink and da Stupid Preppy Fuckers!

"You Ludacris fools!" I yelled. The other mumblers of the band were Georgia, hu wuz once DaRing the goff but Celciusa shut her with the preppy spull, Daphne, who was breifly "Helena" (guddit, lik da MRC sung), Madeline, who was in da first fic but onlee breefly, Hunter the Poser, and Vampirella's friends or whatever Hannah, Caitlin, Jasmine, and Ivy!

Vannahprella gasped. "Hunnuh! Caytlin! Jazzmin! Ivi! Da cheerleeders!" She flipped her waste lenght hair.

Cecilia cockled. I gasped. "U see Hunt Topic! The goffs v preps war is not over! We preps are gunna defeet u goofs!" Then she and Daphn and Gorgia and Medeline and Hunto and Hanta and Kate Lynn and Juzmin and Evie flew adway of there broomsticks.

An idea I had. "Bloody Cliché Rose 6666! Let's get up on stag!" All the gofs got un stage and we started to play a goffic verizon of a Phil Collins song! I was the leed singer and played gortar too. Plato Poter also played ti gutter. Draoc plaied da base. Vespu Pen Flower planned the drums. Daisy plaided the pickleo. Selene Slip-NOT! played the cowbell. Penny Slipknot played the harmonica. Vaperella Moonstone played the saxophone. Irenetta played the washboard. Sarannah played the banjo. Haydeline placked the jazz flute. We were akk so sexy.

SUNSET'S POV LOL!

Oh, I forgot to mention I play the saxophone like a professional. When I was in the orphanage, I was taught by Lisa Simpson!

I was so happy to be playing the sax with all my friends. You see, I used to be in a Blue Attitude cover band with Sarah, Irene, and Hayden, called "Johnny's Girls", but then we saw that no one wanted to go to see a saxophone-washboard-banjo-jazz flute quartet. Suddenly, I saw Percy Weasley moshing in the crowd! He was sexist (because I say so!). "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1111111111111111111111111111111111111!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I pointed and yelled at Percy. "What, Percy, are you going to rape me or something, you sicko sexist?!"

"What, no!" He cried sexistly. "Why on earth would I do that?" He was sexist.

I stormed (Storm's AN: Geddit, lik me, Storm Wulfsban?) out of the concert hall and back to my room. All of Bloody Cliché Rose 6666 followed me.

"Lol, Percy's a total prep!" Daisy laughed goffically.

I looked in the mirror. I was so sexy with curves in all the right places and thin enough to be anorexic (but not because that's an insult to people with REAL eating disorders!) My blonde hair spun down to my waist like Rumpelstiltskin was sitting on my head spinning straw into gold that was my hair. My eyes were like sapphires sparkling so bright. I was so much prettier than Hot Topic and Daisy and Vespa and Penty and Sarannah and Haydeline and Irenetta. Suddenly Haydeline pulled out a pink box with a rainbow of buttons – red, orange, yellow, green, cyan, indigo, violet, black, white, gray, pink, and gold.

"Sunset, I invented this pink box to help you fight off sexist Percy who is sexist. It summons Sues from all around the world to help you."

I realized I had to have a whole army of people to fight sexist Percy. "Also we need goffs to help us destroy Cecilia Joy Pink and the preps!" yelled Hot Topic in madly.

I pressed the white button on the pink box. Suddenly a white beam of light shot out of the box. A girl with ethereal long blonde hair that flowed around her walked out of the light and stepped onto the floor. The light from the box faded but she still had a white glow around her. She even had a literal halo! She was wearing a plain white dress and white high heels.

"Hi! My name is Angelica Snowbird! I'm the most perfect girl in Hogwarts!"

Taking a page from Enoby's book, I gasped.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Legit AN: I promised myself from now on I would limit myself to three names a Mary Sue. I've also decided every Sue from here on out will have _perfect_ spelling. "Resolution Blue" is a real color, by the way. It's this dark navy – I picked it because it sounded silly.

ANGELICA'S POV LOL!

Hi! My name is Angelica Snowbird and I'm the most perfect girl in Hogwarts! I was born on the most perfect day in 1999 to perfect pureblood parents, Ivan Snowbird and Yolanda Snowbird, their third perfect child. My perfect big brother Charles Snowbird went to Hogwarts too and he was perfectly in Gryffindor, and my perfect big sister Ariel Snowbird was in Ravenclaw, and so is my perfect little sister Ingrid Snowbird! We are such a perfect family. I'm in both Gryffindor and Ravenclaw at the same time. I know weird, but the Sorting Hat was all like, "Gryffindor and Ravenclaw!" so they had to pull their tables together and I sat down at the perfect intersection. These last seven years I've become the most perfect witch in either house, I know every spell.

I look perfect at all hours of the day with my perfect golden halo of hair that billows like a willow down to my perfect waist that no ugly, sleazy, horny guy will ever touch in my life. My eyes are deep Resolution Blue (I looked up a list of colors and this is the shade of blue that most closely matches my perfect eyes.) I always wear white because it's my favorite color and it symbolizes how pure I am.

Every boy in all of Hogwarts wants to have sex with me, but I will never let them until I get married. That's what _Jesus_ wants me to do. I'm so pure I can summon unicorns with my sheer purity. I even have a blinding white aura! I'm so perfect you guys!

I walked out of the white light from the white box and looked at the GROSS goffic kids, who said their names were Hot Topic, Vampirella, Draco, Pluto, Daisy, Vespa, Seleno, and Penty. I said "Ew, those are your names? I'm totally going to rename you. Hot Topic your name is going to be Hazel. I love that name, it's so perfect. Vampirella, your name is going to be Faye. Draco, you're going to be Vincent. Pluto you're going to be –"

"SHUT DA FOK UP U BICH!11111111111" said Hazel. It was weird because she literally said "fok" and "bich" and then a string of ones. I started to cry perfectly. I had an idea really quickly then. I grabbed my wand and said "Hair of blonde and lip gloss spell-" then suddenly Vampirella grabbed my wand.

"Angelica," she said less perfectly than I would have said my perfect name, "we need you to help us fight Cecilia Joy Pink and the prep army. Even though we won't make you a goff, we need you to swear allegiance to the goffic army."

"Okay," I whispered perfectly.

"Do you believe in Gerard Way, the bandleader of The Black Parade, the king of the emos?"

"I do." Saying "I do" made me think about getting married someday, which will be the first time I ever have sex, you can bet on that, but betting is sinful.

"Do you believe in Good Charlotte, and how the world is black, and that that's not even a single?"

"I do."

"Do you believe in Amy Lee, my immortal, and that if you don't know who she is then get the hell out of here?"

"I do."

"Do you believe in buying all your clothes from Hot Topic, slitting your wrists when you get flamed by internet trolls, and getting your sweater back from Buffy?"

"I do." It just occurred to me that this ceremony was kind of sacrilegious, but I didn't care because I was so perfect.

"And do you believe in learning all the words to all goffic songs?"

"I do."

"Angelica Snowbird, you are now an honorary goff. Please accept the name of 'B'loody Angelica' as a token of our love.

"Thank you."

"Now, B'loody Angelica, as your first order of business, you have to go undercover with the preps. You have long blonde hair and wear pink lipstick and are in Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. You need to learn their secrets."

"You got it, Faye," I announced perfectly.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

STORM'S AN: Buffi cum back!11 I wuznt gunna leaf u for Justin! I still wunna skrew u! Ur so swxy! Im gonta slip ma wists.

ANGELICA'S POV LOL!

I walked up to the preppy table with my perfect pink high heels taking every step perfectly. I was wearing a tea length white dress and eyeshadow that perfectly matched my Resolution Blue eyes. Hot Topic and Sunset followed me and were watching from behind a fern. The eight girls and Hunter the Poser sat at one long table with a pink centerpiece with a picture of Hilary Duff on it.

"Hi!" I yelled perfectly. "I'm Angelica Snowbird. Are you guys the preps?"

"Yeah, we are preps," said the head prep, "I'm Cecilia. This is Hunter the Poser, Georgia, Daphne, Madeline, Hannah, Caitlin, Jasmine, and Ivy. Come sit with us." I did as such perfectly. I could tell Hunter the Poser wanted to have sex with me.

"Ew, you perv! Stop thinking about me naked! You know I'm saving myself for marriage!" Everyone looked at me weirdly. Hot Topic and Sunset made gestures telling me to stop from behind the fern. "I mean, carry on Hunter."

"We were planning to lead an anti-goff attack tonight," said Hannah. "We were going to blast Backstreet Boys songs into the Slytherin Common Room tonight at seven."

"That's great," I replied perfectly, "that'll show them who's boss."

"And on Friday, we were planning to replace the My Chemical Romance concert with a Britney Spears concert," Caitlin planned.

"That's so preppy." I flipped my hair perfectly.

"And we were planning to paint the Great Hall pink but leave it just a little patchy so you can see the black pant underneath the pink pant," said Jasmine.

"Yeah!" I roared. Suddenly Hot Topic and Sunset fell out from behind the fern! Cecilia gasped. Hunter gasped. Daphne gasped. Madeline gasped. Hannah gasped. Caitlin gasped. Jasmine gasped. Ivy gasped. I gasped perfectly.

"ANGELICA!" Cecilia yelled. "Were you a mole for the goffics?"

I couldn't lie, because I was too perfect for that. "Yes! I am B'loody Angelica Snowbird!"

"I can't believe you!" yelled Ivy in madly. She started to cry tears of salt water. Hunter comforted her by pulling a pink handkerchief out of the pocket of his light blue pants.

"You are not fit to be a prep any longer! Get out of the prep table!" Cecilia grabbed my pink high heels and I fell down. "You are not allowed to wear any pink clothes!" I got up and ran away with Hot Topic and Sunset.

We ran back into the Slytherin Common Room where the walls were painted pink!111111111

Seleno ran in madly. "Daphne the prep shot a pink spell at the Common Room walls! Now they're pink! It's so sad that I silt my wrists." He showed me his muddy wrists. All the others ran in on their broomsticks.

Haydeline had the pink box. "Angelica, you are a good Sue, but we need someone who can predict the preps' next move with perfect accuracy. She pressed the gold button on the pink box and a bolt of golden light shot out of it! I screamed perfectly.

An Asian girl with long, straight black hair walked out. She was wearing a floor-length sparkly golden dress and had a katana in her hand.

"Konichiwa!" She yelled. "My name is Isla Infinity!" Everyone gasped, and then they fainted because they were out of air.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Legit AN: I've been researching different subtypes of Mary Sues for all the new Sues. Also, I feel bad for coopting an actual Japanese deity (Hachiman, their closest thing to a "God of War"), but that's what a true Suethor would do. Enjoy.

Storm's AN: Well, Buffi just left me 4 good. For onc, I acshelly (geddit, hell) hav a raisin to bee reely upset. I'm gong to silt ma wrists.

ISLA'S POV LOL!

Konichiwa! I am Isla Infinity, girl genius of war! I was born in Kyoto Japan in a giant oyster, so they call me "Kyoto Pearl" and my hometown worshipped me as the Goddess of War Hachima-ko. I was taught by master of katanas and kung fu Tony-Chan of the Clarksville Lead-By-Example Karate Dojo. I grew to the rank of orange belt under his hearty teaching. I also became the most powerful katana wielder in the state of Kentuckyoto. But one day when I was eating a meal at Tokyo Burger King Godzilla started to attack Tokyo! I used my dual katanas to destroy him and then the Governor of Japan declared me a princess commander in chief! Before I was sixteen I was in charge of the entire Japanese army! I also went to Hogwarts and I was in Ravenclaw because of my tactical genius.

I walked out of the golden light and the blonde goffic girl approached me.

"Isla, I am Sunset Vampirella Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake Moonstone. We hear you are the commander in chief of the Japanese army at the age of eighteen?"

"Absolutely true, Sunset-ko."

"You see, we need someone to put together a plan to destroy the evil preps and we thought you would be the girl for the job."

"Yes. Do you all have katanas?" I asked bravely.

The girl in the white flipped her hair perfectly. "Of course! All Sues have katanas!" Hot Topic-ko, Sunset-ko, and Angelica-ko took out bejeweled katanas, Hot Topic-ko had black jewels on her katana, Sunset-ko had rainbow jewels, Angelica-ko had white jewels, and I have gold. We looked so epic, we looked like Power Rangers!

I knew that the nine preps were busy in the Ravenclaw Common Room watching the preppy TV-show House of Cards, so I knew we had an hour to attack while they weren't around. We decided to storm the Gryffindor Common Room with our katanas.

"Yah!" yelled Angelica perfectly while she smashed a signed picture of Christina Aguilera on the pink wall.

"Yqaah!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111" cried Hot Topic as she stabbed the preps' NSYNC CD collection and they fell into tiny shards of disc on the floor.

"Mi cremically romachio, imo noto okayo!1" Sunset shot a spell at the wall and they turned black. It was all because of my perfect tactical planning.

Suddenly I realized that the episode of House of Cards was ending! My magical tactical skills could sense the credits were rolling and Jasmine was washing out the empty popcorn bowl.

"Hot Topic-ko! Sunset-ko! Angelica-ko! We must return to the Slytherin common room now! The preps are coming!" The Gryffindor Common Room was a mess, and I took credit for all of it.

We ran back to the Slytherin Common Room just as I heard Caitlin-ko scream "OMG this room is like so scary!" All thanks to me.

HOT TOPIC'S POV LOL!

I wuz wit Anglican, Snowset, Island Infinite, and al ma odder freindss in te Sliveryn Commen Rum. Handyline had the dumb pin box agent. Daisy hadd runned away and no 1 new were she wuz. I missed her so muck!1111 Buffy cum back 2 mee!11111111112

"Hot Topic God job on the Grndor comma room but we ned mawr Sews! Press a button 4 me!1111" I was feelin kunda depresszed, so I bressed the gray buton. A gray lignt cummed ot of the bawx and a sad lookin girl with red hair and a gray dress cdfanmme oft too.

"My name is Sasha Orchid and I have the most depressing life story, like, you don't even know."

We were kind of sick of gasping, so we yawned instead.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Legit AN: I've found the perfect way to write for Storm/Hot Topic: Stay up until eleven and NEVER PRESS BACKSPACE.

I'd also like to apologize about how long it's taking between chapters. I have the story planned out for a good while forward, but there's been an oppressive heat wave these past couple of weeks, and I just haven't wanted to write anything because it's just so muggy. Literally no one wants to do anything when it's 105 degrees for a week straight. Hopefully the heat will break by September. Sorry for the delays.

Storm's AN: Buffy ran uway wif Justin. I want 2 screw them both rigt now. I'm am sooooooooooo sadd!111111111111111111111111234567890

SASHA'S POV LOL!

My name is Sasha Orchid and I have the most depressing life story, like, you don't even know. Like, when I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me in a convent. Isn't my life so sad? And at the convent, Mother Superior would whip me with a ruler every day. I had to change my name to Sister Mary Clarence because convent rules said I couldn't have such a beautiful name as Sasha Orchid. I was in love with the cute boy Jasper St. James but Mother Superior wouldn't let me so much as talk to him. Like, literally no one has a more depressing life than I do. She made me cut my hair short and beat me three times a day right before meal time and then she wouldn't give me a bite to eat. I ate absolutely nothing between the ages of six and ten. You should feel so bad for me. And then when I was sixteen I moved out of the convent and into a foster home run by two total assholes. Every day they would hit me with a shoe from seven in the morning to six at night and every night they'd make me cook their dinner and suck their cocks at the same time. You thought Sunset's sob story was depressing, believe me, my life makes her life look like a kid's book by comparison. When I was seventeen I found out that Jasper had died in a tragic car crash and I cried literally for five days straight. The two assholes had to drain my room, which made them so mad they hit me with a shoe until seven that night. Did Sunset have to live through that? Huh? Did she?! I mean, she got to be friends with Little Orphan Annie and Lisa Simpson. Come on man. Then one day I accidentally killed the two assholes by yelling Avada Kedvara at them, so I had to run away and join a wizard school. Now I'm in the seventh year, but every night my boyfriend Brad beats me up because I need to be the most pitiable girl in all of Hogwarts.

"That's great Sasha," Sunset Moonstone said after I finished rambling about my uber-tragic life story, "Can you go tell all that to the preps? Angelica here blew her chance to get on their good side. Thanks."

I walked into the Gryffindor common room and sat down at the preps' table, pushing Jasmine aside.

"Hi, I'm Sasha Orchid, and I have the most depressing life story ever, like you don't even know. Like when I was born-"

"Good for you Sasha," said Cecilia, not feeling nearly enough pity for me. "Say, you're not another plant from the goffs, are you? Because last time they sent a plant, the next day they vandalized our common room."

"Absolutely not," I said with the pain of a thousand sorrows in my voice due to years of mistreatment.

"Prove it," said Hunter, testing me, "What was My Chemical Romance's third major studio album?"

"I don't know." I seriously didn't, because Mother Superior only let me listen to Christian Rock.

"She's clear," muttered Hunter.

For the first time in my entire life, I felt accepted by these people I was going to betray. My hardened soul softened just a little bit that day, and now, maybe a little bit of sunshine could creep into my life. You know how depressing my life was, like, you don't even know.

SUNSET'S POV LOL!11

I trotted majestically into the Slytherin common room, where all the walls were once again painted black but you could see there was pink pant underneath the black pant. Angelica flipped her hair perfectly and Isla was talking to her in Faux-Japanese babble. Daisy had run away because Hot Topic didn't want to screw her or something, so Hot Topic was crying tears of real vampire blood. She and Draco had just finished having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest. They, Plinko Potter, Vesper PainFollower, Slinko Slipknot, Penny Slipknot, Sarannah, Irenetta, Haydeline, Angelica, Isla, and Sasha were sitting around a black table blackly. Isla and Sasha had become honorary goffs, B'loody Isla and B'loody Sasha. Haydeline had the pink box out in the middle of the table. She stood up on the table and yelled.

"We are about to unleash the army of the Sues on the preps and sexist Percy, who is sexist!" She flailed her arms dramitacly. "Press a button, Sunset Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake Moonstone!1111111111"

I pressed the pink button and a hot pink light shot out and a girl with crazy blonde curly hair and a fuchsia dress leaped out and started making out with Draco!

"Get off me!111111111" Draco yelled goffically and pushed her away. The blonde girl jumped up and down and squealed. "My name is Eden Melody and I'm going to be Mrs. Draco Malfoy!

Hot Topic started to suck her blood and she screamed. We all actually had a reason to gasp.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Legit AN: Hey, Buffy, Storm bought out my AN to convince you to come back. Buffy, Storm loves you more than she loves the color black (geddit? Because she likes black, and she's a Satanist, and she loves death… Never mind.) Storm promises to never see Justin again and to promise all her love to you. Please Buffy, Storm needs you.

Storm's AN: Buffy I prumize tat if u cum black (lol black cuz im a sutanist) 2 meep den ill lern al da werdz 2 all das Lonken Prank songz dat u wannu sing wif me! Cum back!

EDEN'S POV LOL!

OMG you guys my name is Eden Melody and I love Draco Malfoy more than life itself! His hair is like so cute! And I could just kiss that little face all day and all night, I love it. From the moment I laid eyes on his steely blue orbs and his golden straw hair, I knew I was destined to love this man, and I could tell that he thought the exact same. We were walking through the halls of Hogwarts one fateful sunny October afternoon. No, wait, it was before lunchtime, so I guess it was a fateful sunny October morning. I was on my way to Hair of Magical Magic Creatures (which is where you style the hair of the magical creatures on campus) and he was on his way to Deviation (where you learn to be deviant. It's a must for Slytherins.) My hazel eyes locked for but a second with his, and from then on I knew it was going to be love. I was going to be Draco Malfoy's beloved, his wife, and the mother of his children.

I am a Gryffindor, but I'm still a pure blood, so Draco has to love me. The Melody family was friends with Salazar Slytherin himself. David Melody was one of the first students to graduate out of Slytherin and he made sure that each and every one of his descendants married a true wizard. I might even have purer blood than Malfoy, but that would be ridiculous because Draco's blood is divine. I hadn't even said one word to him, but I knew deep in my heart that Draco was the only man I would or could ever love.

I HATE that Astoria Greengrass girl; she is so ugly and lame and her hair is so messy and dark. I bet her blood isn't as pure as mine. Her and her sister Daphne (Legit AN: Not to be confused with Daphne the Prep!111) are so lame, I don't see why he would ever love Astoria more than me, his perfect mate in waiting.

"So, Eden, Draco wants you to go find out about what sexist Percy Weasley who is sexist has planned to be sexist with. Can you help us?" Sunset Moonstone said to me as I daydreamed about the life Draco and I would lead together. "Maybe afterwards, Hot Topic might share Draco with you." Hot Topic stuck up her middle fingers at me which were covered in black nail polish and the nail polish was dripping off her hands and onto the floor.

"Okay." Sunset lead me into the Gryffindor common room and pointed to Percy.

"That is sexist Percy Weasley the sexist, he's Seleno and Penty's sexist big brother and he's sexist. We know he's planning to do some sexist things like sexistly planning to make all the girls wear sexist bikinis as their uniforms sexistly. Can you go flirt with him to try to get him to tell his secrets? If that fails, slip him some Volxemortserum." She handed me a little blue vial with a picture of Voldemort's face on it. It had no nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and red eyes. It was… … … … … … … Voldemort!11111 I put it in my pocket.

I walked over to sexist Percy feministly, thinking of Draco. Suddenly a woman with ugly black hair walked over to him. It was… Astoria Greengrass! I hated her so much for getting together with Draco in canon!

"Hi Percy!" She shrieked in a hideous voice. She sounded like a harpy scratching her talons on a chalkboard every time she spoke. Not like my voice, which sounds like a mermaid on an all-honey diet.

"Hi Astoria," said Percy sexistly. "What lovely weather outside." Suddenly Sunset lunged into the room.

"You sexist pig stop talking sexist to Astoria!1111" Sunset yelled in madly.

"No Sunset!" I cried. "They deserve each other because I deserve Draco!" Sunset lunged on Percy and I lunged on Astoria. They pushed us off them and I ran crying back to the Slytherin common room with Sunset close behind.

"I can't believe I let Percy act so sexistly toward Astoria," Sunset moaned. I walked up to Draco, who was screwing Hot Topic in a coffin.

"Hello, Hot Topic? Could you move over? I want to have sex with Draco right now, because I'm his perfect mate and you're not."

"FJUCK YOU!11111111111" She yelled a misspelled swear. She kept screwing Draco. She didn't understand how much better of a girlfriend I would be for Draco than her.

I dreamt of the life that Draco and I would lead together once he stopping screwing Hot Topic. We would live in a black house with Slytherin crests everywhere and we would raise our beautiful pure blood children to be good Slytherins – first a boy named Scorpius (yes, I know that was the name of the kid that Draco had in canon with that awful Astoria woman, but remember I'm so much better than her. Also fuck canon.), then a girl named Narcissa (after his mother, whom I admire so much for bringing the world's most perfect wizard into the world), and a boy named Salazar (after the founder of Slytherin, of course!), and then a girl named Voldemortina, and then twin girls named Slytherella and Demona. What a beautiful family we'll make. We'd be the perfect family of Death Eaters we'd be.

Suddenly my day dreaming was interrupted by a pink girl bursting through the door. It was… Cecilia Joy Pink! She pointed her wand at Draco.

"You maniacs! You put up posters of goffic bands all over the Great Hall and the common rooms! You smashed our Backstreet Boys albums! You kidnapped Hilary Duff!"

Suddenly Hilary Duff burst out of Seleno's closet. "Why did you kidnap me Seleno!" She cried tears of water all over the floor and ran out of the room to record more preppy albums.

"Now once and for all, I'm going to turn each and every one of you into pink, non-suicidal, boy-band-loving preps." Hunter the Poser walked in and he was holding all of the goffs' wands and Hot Topic, Sunset, Angelica, Isla, Sasha's and my Sue-Katanas!

"Now you can't defend yourself." Suddenly Isla's wand and Sue-Katana reappeared at her side!

"I can use my magical Sue powers to beat you at any game!" Isla yelled, and raised her golden katana in the air.

"Not if I hit you all with the preppy spell first!" She waved her wand at Draco! "Hair of gold and lip gloss smell, I save this poor goff from hell!" Suddenly a pink beam of light shot out of her wand and hit Draco!

"Hi everyone!" Draco yelled in a preppy voice (basically like the preps in the movie). He had a sky blue shirt on and khakis on! "My name is Vincent. That's a nice normal preppy name."

"Finally!" Angelica sighed perfectly.

Suddenly I realized what I had to do. I shot the preppy spell at myself and all my stuff. They all turned pink! I was a prep too! I changed my name to Eden Melody because that's a preppy name.

"Trixie, I no longer want to have sexual intercourse with you in the Forbidden Forest. In fact, I no longer want to screw you at all!" yelled Draco majestically. "While I will miss Dumblydork yelling 'what the hell are you doing you motherfukers', I am a prep now. In fact, if I'm going to screw anyone, it's going to be Eden because she's my perfect preppy mate."

Finally Draco was coming around to his senses. We took off each other's clothes and started screwing on my preppy pink bed. Hot Topic gasped, I guess because we were such a perfect match.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Legit AN: Thanks for "da god reviows!1111111111111"

Storm's AN: Imm sew sad e almot fell lick usin perfet spellig add grammer. Nah. Buffy wuz soaposed 2 writ dis. New I half 2 writ it maself!

Note from Mindy Lee Leigh: Hey, Cindy, this is the most canon raping piece of "literature" I've ever seen in my entire life. One, there are no "goffs" and "preps" in Harry Potter. Two, the Sorting Hat cannot just change people's houses all willy-nilly. In fact, he can't change them at all. The Sorting Hat cannot be used as a weapon at all. Three, as much as I know you hate to hear this, but there is no canon evidence of either Draco nor Harry Potter being bisexual. Have you read the books at all Cindy? Also who's this "Storm" chick you keep talking to? Her spelling made me literally throw up a little into my mouth. I don't want you talking to her anymore. Love, your sister, Mindy.

HOT TOPIC'S POV LOL!11111111

I wuz so mud and sud dart Drunko becummed a prepper. I cringed tears of blonde.

"You think your life is sad Hot Topic well it's got nothing on my tragic life, like, you don't even know," Sasha Orchid cummplained. "Did I mention the time I got mugged in a dark alley and had half my teeth punched out?"

"Yes Sasha," moanaed everyon at da sem tim. Anglerica had une idee to chear me up, so she punt on a goffic verzin of "Cum on Feel da Noize" (see I splled dat rigt) by Quiet Riot. I wuz moffshing goffically. Auddenly da nuise of a prepie vox cam tru tea speakers. It was… a preppy verizon of "Backstreats Bak Al rigt!" byte da Baksftreet boiz! De originil hit versiona!

"U fuken prpeps stup rubbin it in dat u stole Dranko ad Edan Muloddy frum uz!"

"Never!" Yelld Celciusa Joint Pick, prepinkly. (geddit cuss shess a pink prep?)

"Handyline!" I scremed sexilly. "I wunt dat pink box! I ned 2 summon mawr Sues to bring Drico blak (geddit) too the sids od fas gofficals!"

"Serry!111" yilled Hayden madly. "I lawst it in a bet wif Sicilya Pink dat she wood steel Dravo frum us. New she has Fraco, Addin, and da box of Suez!"

"Y did u dew dayt u funking bitca (Buffy rox! I missu sew badlie Buffin vume bank to me!)" I yelt ta Haydella.

"An idea I have!1111111111" Muttred Ilsa lodlie! "We ned to sneek over to da Grivendor commo room and push da blak (geddit b-caus u love blak son much!) button!"

"Ur so smrat Island!" I yelled in maddy.

SASHA'S POV LOL!

Hot Topic made me, in her words, "Gew und pretzel the blak butt on", which I guess meant press a black button and not press a black butt. In the Gryffindor common room we saw Cecilia, Hunter, Georgia, Daphne, Madeline, Hannah, Caitlin, Jasmine, and Ivy playing charades while Draco and Eden were having sex on a couch, because she is the perfect mate for him after all. As long as it doesn't overlap with my tragic backstory she can be whatever she wants. Ivy waved at me.

"Hi Sasha!" Ivy yelled. "Do you want to watch a preppy movie like Tropic Thunder or Road to Morocco or Slumdog Millionaire?"

"No I wanted to see the pink box," I admitted plainly, thinking of all the hardships I had endured like a ship in a hurricane.

"Sure," Ivy muttered.

"What happens when I press a button?"

"I don't know!" yelled Jasmine in madly.

"You should press a button," whispered Caitlin loudly.

I pressed a black button. Suddenly a black light shot out of the box and Luna screamed.

"You Ludacris fool!" Cecilia cried. "The black button summons the evil Sue!" Suddenly a deathly pale woman walked out of the box. "You see Sasha, the pink box of Sues is something that has plagued Hogwarts with the evils of Sues for many years now! Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way was born from that very box! Every time you press a button, Hogwarts loses a little bit of its sanity!" The woman's black combat boots touched the floor and they were black.

Suddenly Haydeline ran into the room. "I'm so sorry! The pink box was something I made when I was a first year and I didn't know any better because I was eleven and eleven year olds do stupid things like create portals to other dimensions!111 I thought I could use this for good, but now I see I can't!11111111111 We must destroy this box!11111111111" The woman with waste length black hair with blue streaks in it emerged from the light. It was such a horrifying sight that Draco took his thingie out of Eden's you know what. It started snowing and raining so there was no sun. Suddenly the Sue-Beast spoke-

"My name is Rayne Stormcloud and I am queen of the Death Eaters!"

Even I gasped.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 (LOL GEDDIT, CUS 13 IS UN UNLUCKY NOMBRE WHIC MEENS ITZ GOFFIC)

Legit AN: Fun fact: I was writing an essay on Austen's Northanger Abbey talking about gothic novels, and I swear I almost wrote "goffic" instead of "gothic" every time. Damn you Hot Topic, you're hurting my grades!1111

Storm's AN: Shut up u quiches! Bufy yo ned ot comma balk to me 2 protuct me frum das flimmers!

RAYNE'S POV LOL!

My name is Rayne Stormcloud and I am queen of the Death Eaters. I'm descended from Salazar Slytherin himself, you know. I'm like, a super duper pure blood and I'm almost more evil than Voldemort himself, which shows you how pure evil I am. I trained under Bellatrix herself to become queen of the Death Eaters, because Death Eaters are so cool, and like, totally not a metaphor for Nazis or anything. And I'm going to like, totally murder all the mud bloods in the school.

Starting with Hot Topic Shadow Ra'ven Goffica Elvira Deathshade Dragona Corset Fis'hnet Exxorcist Samara Vampirica Eyeliner BiGuuyzz Demetria Satanista Misery Mikey Joel Gerard Shadow Kawaii Slytherina SixSixSix D'eady Shadow Dethstucchsin Shadow P'e'n't'a'g'r'a'm' Draculana Buffy BloodRose.

I walked out of the Gryffindor Common Room where the preps were watching preppy movies like Star Trek Into Darkness and Gilda and Oklahoma!11111. Sasha, Eden, and Haydeline followed me. I busted open the door to the Slytherin Common Room where Hot Topic, Seleno, Vespa, Pluto, Penty, Sunset, Angelica, and Isla were painting everything black again after the preps attacked. I shot the Killing Curse at Hot Topic. She gasped.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!1111111111111111111111111111" Yelled Pluto Potter as he jumped in front of the Killing Curse to protect Hot Topic. He died. I felt kind of bad, because Pluto's a pure blood, and we true Death Eaters only kill mud bloods. Wait, his mom was a mud blood, so I guess that makes him a half blood? I don't know. This blood purity stuff is confusing.

"Don't worry Hot Topic!" Sarannah yelled dramatically, waving her arms like a maniac. "I fixed the iPod! We can bring Pluto Potter back to life (lol, geddit, like that Evanescence song "Bring Me Too Life"?)"

Sarannah put the ear buds in Pluto's ears and she turned it on. Suddenly a preppy Louis Armstrong song came on!

"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world" (I don't own the lyrics to What a Wonderful World)

"NO!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111" screamed Hot Topic. "The world is black (geddit like that Good Charlotte song that's not even a single)"

Sarannah grabbed the iPod. "Oh no!" She cried statistically. All the goffic My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte songs have been replaced by preppy artists like Sonny and Cher and Duran Duran! We can't bring anyone back to life unless we re-sync the iPod!"

Suddenly Eden screamed and pointed to the CD display case. "All of our goffic albums and singles are gone! Draco took them with him when he became a prep! Plinko Potter is dead forever now!"

"Can we summon GC or MCR to play a concert in Hogsmede?" Penty Slipknot cried.

"I'm afraid MCR and GC are playing a concert in Argentina tonight," said Hot Topic because she can sense wherever in the world MCR and GC are thanks to her goffic Spidey-sense. "They can't get back to England (where Hogwarts most definitely is) until next week! We're doomed!1111111111111111111111111111"

Suddenly I remembered I still had to kill all the mud bloods. I shotted the spell at Hot Topic again but I missed. At point blank range. Suddenly I remembered Vespa Painflower is a mud blood too so I shotted the spell at her but she jumped out of the way. Because being a Death Eater is so cool you guys. So not Nazis. Snap was spying on us and taking a video tape of us scheming to destroy the preps and Loopin was masticating on some gummy worms and they were both sitting on their broomsticks. I shot them with the Killing Curse a zillion times but only the camera broke, but then only the lens was ruined but the tape was still there. I suck so hard.

Haydeline ran in with the box again. "The box may be evil, but it's out only chance to defeat the preps, sexist Percy, and bring Pluto Potter back to life! She pressed the yellow button and a yellow light shotted out. A girl with floor length red hair and a yellow dress and she was kind of ugly. I hated her. Everyone gasped.

"The Anti-Sue!111" Haydeline yelled.

"My name is Delilah Firestarter," she said.

"You're so ugly and you never do anything right!" Everyone else yelled in unison.

"I'm a pathetic loser," she muttered quietly to gain audience sympathy.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Legit AN: Thanks to Wikipedia for its knowledge of the discography of MCR. Also I've decided to try to put at least one preppy movie or TV show or band into every chapter.

AN: OMFFG Buffy ur bak! Fangz for takn me back afta i wuntodd to screw Justim! Letz half a three-way in limbo lik Draconian and Pulltone and Hof Topix had in ad frist fic!

DELILAH'S POV LOL

I'm Delilah Firestarter and I mess up everything I touch, apparently. I'm also unspeakably ugly and a waste. But I'm dating Dean Jetstream from Blue Attitude, so I must be at least a little perfect and Suetiful. He says he loves me even though I fail at literally everything I touch and suck so hard. All the preps always hated me, so I became a goff.

"Good for you, Delilah, now if you promise not to mess this up we'd like you to sneak into the Gryffindor Common Room to steal all of our MCR CDs!" Isla Infinity said.

I ran into the Gryffindor Common Room sloppily. All the other girls were gossiping about me but I didn't care about what they think because I'm goffic and I don't care about what they think. Besides Dean Jetstream is in love with me. Suddenly I looked at Caitlin, Hannah, Jasmine, and Ivy… … … … … … … … … … … It was the Cheerleaders! They threw their balls at me while we were playing dodgeball. They were mean to me even though I was so beautiful! They were staring at my tattoo of a crab on my shoulder (like, it's my birth sign – I'm a Cancer (Legit AN: Yes, you are.)) They were staring at my tiny waist and they were so jealous, but I've never thought of myself as beautiful but everyone says I'm so beautiful.

"Eww, why is this Delilah girl so beautiful? I hate her so much because her hair always falls perfectly around her face!" Hannah yelled madly.

I started to cry beautifully and limpid tears fell around my violet eyes.

"And why are her eyes purple? Who has purple eyes?" Caitlin said like a biatch.

"WHAT?!1111111" I yelled, because you see my eyes are violet. "MY EYES ARE VIOLET, NOT PURPLE, YOU DOLTS!11111" Suddenly I saw a hot pale guy standing in the corner. It was… … … … … … … Dean Jetstream from Blue Attitude! I could see his man-carrot standing in action and he wanted to have sex with me right then. Suddenly I was up against the wall and he was kissing me! He stoked my breasts for several minutes while the Cheerleaders stared at us weirdly because we were about to have sex in the middle of their common room. Dean ripped my top off me and doped it on the floor. It was dope. He started to take off my bra but then I remembered that Dean Jetstream had a GF!11 He was such a cheating sicko! I was acting like a slut and a biatch! "BASTARD!111111 I yelled." "Why do you want to sex me if you have a GF, you cheater?!11"

"DELILAH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111111111" Dean Jetstream tore of his shirt in fury. "You are my GF!111 Remember?!1"

"Oh yeah." Suddenly I took off the rest of my clothes and Dean took off all of his and we made love in the middle of the Gryffindor Common Room. The Cheerleaders had gotten sick of our antics at this point and put on a preppy movie like Gladiator or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid or Giant. Suddenly I realized I needed to get the MCR CDs! I saw a copy of The Black Parade sitting on a pink refrigerator! I took Dean's boys thingie out of mine and I ran up and grabbed the CD. He had a huge you know what but I was to concentrated on my task to care. I wanted to sex him good but I had to find all the goffic CDs to save Pluto Potter. Hot Topic gave me an outfit from Hot Topic (geddit, like her name is Hot Topic) and I put on a black corset with tulle coming out of it and a long black dress with a slit up the leg like in Mr. and Mr. Smith, Hot Topic's favorite gay porn parody of Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Storm's AN: Dontt u fink gie guz er soooooooo hawt?). I found a copy of "I Brought you My Bullets You Brought Me Your Love" and "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" inside a pink cabinet. Hot Topic knew the words to all of the songs like all true goffics do.

Suddenly Jasmine busted into the room! I screamed. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKER!11111111" she quoted Dumblydum. "GIVE US BACK THE CDs BECAUSE WE DO NOT WANT PLUTO POTTER TO come back to life."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111111111 I'M BAD AT TOO MANY THINGS! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ABNORMAL IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111" I yelled and ran away from the preps with the CDs. Dean Jetstream put on his clothes and ran after me. I ran all they way back to the Slytherin Common Room and everyone cheered for me. Suddenly a man with a big blonde pompadour burst into the room. He was wearing a leather jacket with dragons on it and black leather pants. He had a sexy guitar. It was… … …Johnny Rockets!111111111111

"Sunset Cynthiella Leighanna Snowflake Tomoko Hermione Charity Grace Mercy Johnnina Indigo Thor Sapphire Libra Tylerelle Williamella Deaninine Jacka Mindy Irene Sarah Hayden Peony Anesthesia Snowflake MoonStone!11 I am here to help you defeat sexist Percy with my gentlemanly ways and rockin' rock music!" William and Tyler and Dean and Jack ran out from behind a wall.

Everyone gasped.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Cindy's AN: OMG JOHNNY ROCKETS HES SOOOOOOO SEXY AND NOW HES GOING TO SEX SUNSET OMG!

SUNSET'S POV LOL!

I wanted to sex Johnny Rockets so bad that Eden and Sasha had to restrain me from jumping on him.

"We need to train the Sue army for the rocking final battle." Johnny flipped his hair sexily and I drooled onto the floor. He played a cover of "Helena" with Bloody Cliché Rose 6,666 and suddenly Pluto Potter came back to life!

"Hooray!" everyone yelled.

Suddenly another man walked into the room. It was… Percy Weasley! He was sexist! I punched him in the face.

"Stop being sexist!111" I said feministly.

"I was just coming in here to get some popcorn!" He cried as I kept punching his stomach.

Eden and Sasha had to pull me away. Suddenly I saw Delilah Firestarter kissing Dean Jetstream! I yelled again.

"You bastard! I want to make out with Dean Jetstream even though I think he is the fourth sexiest member of Blue Attitude!"

"Okay, here, you can have him," Delilah said as she stepped aside.

"Hi Sunset," Dean said pleasantly, "Do you want to make out with me?" Dean and I made out for a couple hours. Suddenly I saw Percy getting away with a bag of popcorn!1111111111

I yelled in madly. I grabbed Percy by the shoulders and began to beat him up sexily. Suddenly I turned around and I saw Hunter the Poser! He had the MCR CDs in one hand and the pink box in the other!

"Hunter!" Haydeline yelled. "Put down the pink box! You don't know its true power! It could destroy Hogwarts if you aren't careful, it could at least destroy our spelling and grammar! If you give us back the box we'll let you keep the CDs!"

"Never!1111111" Hunter moaned sadistically. "I'm going to press the blue button and there's nothing you can do to stop me, because blue is a preppy color!"

Daisy ran in to attack him (Storm's AN: U ruk gurl!) and she grabbed the CDs! We cheered. But then Hunter pressed the blue button and a blue light shot out! I gasped. Hot Topic gasped. Pluto Potter gasped. Vespa Painflower gasped. Seleno Slipknot gasped. Penty Slipknot gasped. Daisy gasped. Sarannah gasped. Irenetta gasped. Haydeline gasped. Hunter gasped. Angelica Snowbird gasped. Isla Infinity gasped. Sasha Orchid gasped. Eden Melody gasped. Rayne Stormcloud gasped. And Delilah Firestarter gasped. Suddenly a girl with bushy dirty blonde hair and brown eyes walked out of the box.

"Hi! My name is Desdemona Craven! I'm so smart, am I not? I'm basically Hermione, only better!"

Vespa Painflower gasped extra hard.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

DESDEMONA'S POV LOL!

Hi my name is Desdemona Craven and I'm so smart, and compassionate, and caring, and loyal, I'm basically Hermione only better! I'm the smartest girl in all of Hogwarts! Even though I'm only a muggle-born I'm smarter than any pure blood! I got an "A" on my Hair of Magical Magic Creatures exam and an "B+" on my transfomation test, aren't I smart, huh? I'm the best stylist of Magical Magic Creatures' hair in the whole school! I'm a super duper genius.

I've been friends with Harry and Ron since we were first years and I helped rescue them from a troll and I saved the Sorcerer's Stone with them, mostly because I'm so smart! I can make literally every potion in the entire world and cast any spell because I'm so smart! I have a rocking "Tim Toner" that I can use to take even more classes to get even smarter!1 I'm even good at Divination because I'm even smarter than Hermione Granger because I'm just that smart, you know! And someday I'm going to marry Ron Weasley and have two beautiful children Rose and Hugo with him!

"Okay, use your smartness to help us with the preps and sexist Percy," Sunset muttered energetically and lethargically at the same time. That was an oxymoron, I know that because I'm so smart, but I guess spending too much time around Hot Topic has rotted her brain. I could study her brain with my science if I so pleased. 'Cuz I'm so smart.

Hunter was running away with the CDs back to the Gryffindor common room. "Desdemona! Shoot a spell!11" Angelica squealed perfectly.

"Accio MCR CDs!" I said intelligently. All the MCR CDs came back and everyone cheered and cheesed my name. Hot Topic ran in madly and pointed her wand at Hunter.

"If you wanted honesty that's all you had TO SAY!111111111111111" She shooted angstily.

"That's not a spell, that's an MCR song," I corrected her wisely.

"I know I was just warming up my vocal cordes. Mi Cremically Romachio, Imo Noto Okayo!" Suddenly Hunter turned into a goff!

"Hooray!" Yelled everyone. Suddenly Hot Topic took off all her clothes – a black fishnet mini dress, a pentagram necklace, and black leather combat boots – and Hunter took off all of his clothes – a black Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) and ripped black jeans and Vans – and he put his thingie in Hot Topic's you-know-what and they did it for the second time. Suddenly Pluto Potter ran up to them.

"You bustard!" Pluto yelled, comparing Hunter to a wild, turkey-like bird. "I want to have sleep with her!"

"No I do!" yelled a voice in madly. It was… … … … … …Draco Malfoy! He was a goffic again.

"OMFFG DRACO UR A GOFFIC AGAEN!" muttered Hot Topic loudly. Suddenly Fraco and Pulltone took off their clothes and they started screwing angstily! You could hear their glocks touching!

"What the hell are you doing, u motherfukers!" I yelled. It was… … … … … …me! "You guys could get expelled if you guys get caught!"

"Oh, come on Desdemona!" screamed Vespa Painflower, who was like me, only worse. She took off all her clothes and so did Seleno, Daisy, Penty, and Sunset and they all started screwing with Hot Topic and Hunter and Draco and Pluto. Suddenly a goffic girl with limpid tears and icy blue eyes like limpid tears. It was… … ENOBY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY!111111111111 She was wearing nothing because she wanted to screw everyone which she did.

"Ewww," said B'loody Angelica perfectly. "I am so saving myself for marriage.

"Angelica-ko is right," said B'loody Isla. "This is a tactical nightmare!"

"This reminds me of the time when I made love for the first time to Jasper St. James, and then I got pregnant and then he left me and then I had a miscarriage, because my life is so tragic, right guys?" B'loody Sasha desperately plead for sympathy from the audience.

"That never happened, did it?" I asked her smartly.

"Yeah," she admitted tragically.

"OMG why is Draco having sex with Hot Topic and not me?" B'loody Eden whined annoyingly. "Doesn't he know I'm his perfect mate?"

"Death Eaters are so cool, right guys, right, right, right?!" B'loody Rayne desperately grasped at straws.

"I couldn't make nearly as sweet of love as they can. Wait a second, yes I can," B'loody Delilah said contradictingly.

The seven of us and Irenetta, Sarannah, and Haydeline decided to watch a goffic movie like Batman Returns while we waited for the other goffs to finish having sexx. Suddenly Delilah stepped on the green button on the pink box!

"DELILAH!" we all yelled. "YOU MESS UP EVERYTHING EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE PERFECT!111111111"

Suddenly a brown haired girl in a long green dress stepped out of the green light from the pink box! She looked at the huddle of humping in the middle of the room and screamed.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!111111111111111" She screamed at the top of her Sue lungs. "This isn't how it's supposed to go! None of you are supposed to be having an orgy right now!" She ran over to the horde of horny goffs and split them apart. "Hermione is supposed to end up with Harry! Not Ron!" She made Seleno take his boy's thingie out of Vespa's. "And we all have to save Sirius from getting killed by Bellatrix because he's too cool of a character to die!"

"Who are you?!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111" B'loody Eden yelled in a little afraid voice.

"I am Haley Comet, the Fixer Sue!"

Everyone gasped.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Legit AN: Why do all my Sues sound like Valley Girls?

Storm's AN: PREPS U OTTA STUP FLAMIN IF U NO WHUTZ GOLD FOR U!1111111111111111111 Justin and Buffy and I are gonna suck your blud (lol, geddit, cuz we suck) becuss wer vampirz now! (lol, gettit lik wampirs wil never hurt u?)

HALEY'S POV LOL!

OMG you guys, my name is Haley Comet and I'm here to fix everything JK Rowling did wrong in her usually perfect books, the Harry Potter Septet. Order of the Phoenix was, like, a good book, and Bellatrix LeStrange is a badass character, and all, but, like, Sirius was so cool and he so shouldn't have died, like, yeah. So I used my Sue powers to enter the HP universe and now I'm going to, like, totally save his life. Because everything has to go the way I want it to, I'm a Sue and what I say goes.

I ran out of the Slytherin Common Room and all the goffic ppl who were screwing on the floor put their black clothes on. Hot Topic, Daisy, Draco, Plinko, Sunset, Seleno, Vespa, Penty, Sarannah, Irenetta, Haydeline, Angelica, Isla, Sasha, Eden, Rayne, Delilah and Desdemona all followed me into the empty hall. Then we gasped! Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall again, doing it, and Dobby was watching!11111111 We all stepped around them doing it.

"Seriously?" Yelled Snake dramatically. "You're not going to say anything or do anything or call us preps?"

"No, we have to save Sirius!" Plato Potter screamed, waving his arms around like a lunatic. His eyes rolled up and you could only see his red whites, whatever those are. "Volfemort has him bondage!"

We marched all the way to Voldemprt's Lair. We could hear him croon "Allah Kadavra." Which was funny because we thought he was Christian because he's a prep, and there are apparently no other religions besides Christianity and Stanism (which is where you worship Stan from South Park) in My Immortal! We also didn't know Voldemort was such a crooner. He sounded like Professor Sinatra!

We ran inside. But Voldemort wasn't there, even though we could hear his high heels clacking and heard him Cumming (gross). Only the fat guy who killed Cedric was there. He was fat. Suddenly he fell down on his face with a luvy-duvy look in his eyes. "OMFGHotTopicAndSunsetAndAngelicaAndIslaAndSashaAndEdenAndRayneAndDelilahAndDesdemonaAndHaleyILoveYouWillYouHaveSexWithMe?" He said way too fast so no one could understand what he was saying.

"Can you repeat yourself please, Fat Guy Who Killed Cedric?" Desdemona begged.

"OMFG Hot Topic and Sunset and Angelica and Isla and Sasha and Eden and Rayne and Delilah and Desdemona and Haley I love you will you have sex with me? I'm a Sue-sexual."

"OMFFG YOU TORTURE MY SIRIUS BLACK AND THEN YOU EXPECT ME TO FUCK YOU? YOU ARE SO MESSED UP YOU DESPICABLE PREP!1111111" I yelled, channeling my inner Enoby. I grabbed my black gun and I stabbed Snaketail with it. Nothing happened because you can't stab people with guns.

"Ow," Snaketail said anti-climactically. Suddenly Voldemort ran in on his broomstick! He was singing a goffic version of a song by Carrie Underwood!

"OMG he yelled everyone looked at him weirdly. I'm Voldemort and Eden Melody you must stab Pluto Potter!" Voldemort gave Eden a gun.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111" muttered Eden Melody.

"Thou must!" We saw Voldemort doing curses on Sirius Black (Storm's AN: LOL, GEDDIT, BLAKC IS DA BESTEST COLOR BECUZ IM SO EMO, I MEN GOFFIC).

"Stop it now!" I yelled at Voldemort. "Or I'll shoot the Crookshanks curse at you!" Voldy is deathly allergic to cats so he stopped the curse. Suddenly Voldemort took off his mask. It was… … … …Tom Satan Bombodill-Andorson! He looked so sexy because he was from the past.

Hot Topic whispered to me. "Hadley I'm gong to half xes with Satan and while I screw him u ned ot save Serious Blac!" She took off her black lacy leather bra and corset underwear and Satan took off his robe. Then he put his thingie into her you know what and they did it for the millionth time. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" muttered Hot Topic loudly.

While Hot Topic and Satan Voldemort were screwing on the pavement in the castle all the others untied Sirius and I saved canon. Hooray! When Hot Topic was done screwing Satan we all got on our MCR broomsticks and flew away back to Hogwarts.

Suddenly, when we stepped on campus, a siren sounded! "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh" the siren went preppily. Suddenly a creepy robotic voice came on over loudspeakers!111

"WARNING. WARNING. WARNING. THIS IS NOT A TEST. THIS IS THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE ALERT SYSTEM AND THERE IS A MARY SUE ON CAMPUS. HER NAME IS HOT TOPIC SHADOW RA'VEN GOFFICA ELVIRA DEATHSHADE DRAGONA CORSET FIS'HNET EXXORCIST SAMARA VAMPIRICA EYELINER BIGUUYZZ DEMETRIA SATANISTA MISERY MIKEY JOEL GERARD SHADOW KAWAII SLYTHERINA SIXSIXSIX D'EADY SHADOW DETHSTUCCHSIN SHADOW P'E'N'T'A'G'R'A'M' DRACULANA BUFFY BLOODROSE, BUT LIKE MOST SUES SHE HAS MANY NAMES. BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR AN EMO GIRL ABOUT 5'10" AND 90 POUNDS. SHE IS USUALLY SEEN WEARING A BLACK LEATHER MINI AND BLACK LEATHER COMBAT BOOTS. HER LONG BLACK HAIR WITH PURPLE STREAKS GOES DOWN TO HER MID BACK AND IS OFTEN UP IN A MESSY BUN. SHE HAS ICY BLUE EYES LIKE LIMPID TEARS BUT IS KNOWN TO WEAR RED CONTACT LENSES. THIS SUE HAS BEEN SPOTTED AROUND CAMPUS WRECKING CANON WITH ITS "GOFFIC" LIFESTYLE FORCING CANON CHARACTERS INTO EMO CARICATURES OF THEMSELVES. IT IS BELIEVED THAT THIS SUE MIGHT NOT BE ALONE AND HAS HIRED AN ARMY OF SUES TO DESTROY CANON! SUES WRECK THOUSANDS OF CANONS A YEAR. DO NOT LET IT STAND! IF YOU SEE THIS SUE DO NOT APPROACH IT AS IT MAY ATTACK. IF YOU SEE THIS SUE CALL THE EMERGENCY SUE HOTLINE AT 555-MARY-SUE. AGAIN, BEWARE THE SUE."

"Oh my Satan!1111111111111" Hot Topic yelled. "Deyre gong to tri to get meee!11111" She cried tears of blood and to comfort her Draco and Pluto had three-way sex with her on the pavement while we all screamed.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

HOT TOPIC'S POV LOL!1

I rent info the Swifferin colon room cringing a founten of blood al ova da flor. I was horrorfied!1 The preps wrere goning to get me and all ma Sue friendz!

"Don't panic!" screeemed Ilsa Infin. "We all have our Sue Katanas, right?" I poled out a blak pentagram and turned it in2 a blak gittar. Suddenly the guitaire turned to my Sue Katana. It was black. Isla plod out her golden Katana, Anglican had a whit one, Sash had a grai one, Evan hud a pink one. Rain had anotre blak on lik min, Dellah jad a yello one, Desduhmona had a bleu one, and Halltreey had a gren on (geddit like green day.)

Suddenl da siren runged agan!

"WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON THE SUE SITUATION OF HOGWARTS. THERE IS A SECOND CONFIRMED MARY SUE ON THE CAMPUS WHO HAS ALIGNED HERSELF WITH HOT TOPIC BLOODROSE. HER NAME IS SUNSET CYNTHIELLA LEIGHANNA SNOWFLAKE TOMOKO HERMIONE CHARITY GRACE MERCY JOHNINNA INDIGO THOR SAPPHRIRE LIBRA TYLERELLE WILLIAMELLA DEANININE JACKA MINDY IRENE SARAH HAYDEN PEONY ANESTHESIA SNOWFLAKE MOONSTONE, ALSO KNOWN BY HER GOFFIC NAME VAMPIRELLA. SHE IS PART JAPANESE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THAT BY LOOKING AT HER BECAUSE ALL SUES LOOK WHITE. BEWARE OF HER SUE POWERS THAT CAN TRANSFORM ANY NORMAL, REDBLOODED, TRUE HOGWARTS PREP INTO AN EMO! THE SUE SQUAD HAS CONFIRMED SEVERAL HOGWARTS STUDENTS AND TEACHERS HAVE ALREADY BEEN INDOCTRINATED IN THE SUE WAY, INCLUDING GINEVRA WEASLEY NOW RECHRISTENED "PENTAGRAM", RONALD WEASLEY, NOW "SELENO" LIKE SELENE FROM UNDERWORLD, DRACO MALFOY, HERMIONE GRANGER, NOW "VESPA PAINFLOWER" AND APPARENTLY HER REAL PARENTS WERE VAMPIRES OR SOMETHING, AND HARRY POTTER, NOW "PLUTO" OR "PLATO" OR "PLINKO". DO NOT APPROACH ANY SUE AS THEY ARE KNOWN TO BE ARMED AND DANGEROUS WITH THE WEAPON OF CHOICE OF THE MARY SUE, THE KATANA. WE WILL KEEP YOU UP TO DATE WITH THE LATEST SUE UPDATES."

"The preps are after us!11111111" Vesper sed angstilly. But I new hu tu blame! I burst intwo the Grivendor common room sexily. "Celiselina Joye Pink!" I shooted angilly. "Yo made da serene blair and the Sue squad 2 cumm after us!" (geddit lik we cold hear Voldmeept cumming.)

"Yeah, so?" Cccelia whispered screaming.

"Now dey er gunna comma nd arrest me und Sunset 4 screwin wif da canon!111"

"Yeah, didn't you hear the new rules?" Hunter da Pozer seed Preppily. "We are going to make it illegal to screw with canon. Being goffic like you is now punishable by banishment from Hogwarts."

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!11111111111111" I shooted at the seeling. Den I ran away in my red car. I drove thru the hellways (geddit, hell) and neerli ran over all da ppls.

"Hot Topic you have to hide from the Sues!" said Sarannah in ad Slenderin Comment Rum. "We can't have you banished! You need to destroy the Preps!"

"Ten if I quant to defeet tes preps, I half too stend strawng!" I sed and an American fleg storted wavinging in the backrund partyriotically. "We mujst stdna togetha angstenst these Preps! We wil nut sit back on oar asses and listn to Britney compear us to Letsat! We wil nawt set back end watch preppi moviez link Da Brige on da Riva Kawaii and I um a Fudgietive frum a Chen Geng and Creamer vs. Creamer! We wil figt 4 or rigts to silt ar ristz and listen 2 MCR! We wil defeeeet the spreps and destroie the color pink! So no I wil NUT hide fro the preps! I wil figt Cenciltina and Horner and Delphine and Gorgeousa and Catlin and Jasmind and Hannah and Ivi!11 We wil be goffic unti the dey we dye and den com back to life wif the musique of MCR."

Everyone cherred becuaz I luck sol sexyie.

"Now letz fight des preps. We shold summern more Sues to show the preps whoz boss." I grabdbebd de punk boz from Hadeline and pressed the indigo button. Suddenly sumone walled out of the indigo lignte but I cold tel it wuznt a girl.

"It's the…" Haydelphine said frigntenedly. Suddenlntyd a dude walked ot of the box. "Marty Stu!"

"Hi, I'm Sterling Pecks. Can't you see my sexy muscles?" He flexed his muscles and every girl in da room sqeeeled and everi boi wuz jelouz.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Legit AN: The one, the only, ladies and gentlemen the Marty Stu!

STERLING'S POV LOL!11111111

Hi, I'm Sterling Pecks. I'm so hot, can't you tell? Maybe you can't tell through the words but I'm so buff. Every day I work out for 25 hours a day. I can do that because I'm so dedicated to working out (and I'm a wizard.)

So, I was standing around, kissing my biceps, when all of a sudden this horrible preppy man with red eyes and no nose ran in on a broomstick, whatever that means. He had red eyes and no nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie). It was… Voldemort!

I punched him in the face and he started crying. I beat him up until he was this bloody little pulp wimp. He ran away crying tears of blood down his pallid face.

"You better run, wimp!" I yelled in a manly tone of voice.

"Oh my God, Sterling," said Sunset in a lovey-dovey tone. "You're so strong. Do you want to have sex with me?" She took off all her clothes. I took off all of mine and we had sex on the black couch in the Slytherin common room.

"As long as Ron doesn't hook up with Hermione everything is fine by me," Haley said canonically.

I was making hot love to Sunset Moonstone when all of a sudden that goddamn siren started blaring! I got up.

"No Sterling!" Sunset cried. "I want more of your sweet tender loving! You're so hot and muscular!"

"Sorry Sunset. This is important," I said sexily.

"THIS IS THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE ALERT SYSTEM WITH UPDATES ON THE SUE EPIDEMIC. A THIRD CONFIRMED CASE OF SUE-ISM HAS BEEN FOUND ON HOGWARTS GROUNDS. ONE ANGELICA SNOWBIRD, ALSO KNOWN AS "B'LOODY ANGELICA", OF GRYFFINDOR AND RAVENCLAW IS CONFIRMED AS A CLASSIC-TYPE SUE. THIS STUDENT HAS DISPLAYED MASSIVE VIOLATIONS OF CANON, SUCH AS BEING IN TWO HOUSES AT ONCE, AND IS KNOWN TO BRAG CEASELESSLY ABOUT HER SEXUAL PURITY. YOU CAN RECOGNIZE ANGELICA SNOWBIRD BY HER TRADEMARK WHITE AURA AND HOW PERFECTLY SHE DOES EVERYTHING. MARY SUES KILL THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT CANON CHARACTERS THEY DISAGREE WITH A YEAR. MARY SUES RUIN THE GOOD NAME OF FANFICTION WITH THEIR REPREHENSIBLE ACTS. IF YOU SEE A SUE, DO SOMETHING, ALTHOUGH IT WE HERE AT THE HMSAS WARN AGAINST DEALING WITH A SUE DIRECTLY. PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO MARY SUES HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE UNCANONICAL BEHAVIOR, SUDDEN INCREASES IN PERFECTION, AND OCCASIONALY SPONTANEOUS DEATH IF THE SUETHOR DECIDES SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANY MORE. IT'S UP TO YOU. FIGHT THE SUES."

I was so mad I punched a hole straight through the wall. "This is a smear campaign! Sues are people too! I'm going to beat up that Hunter the Poser so much."

I ran to the Gryffindor Common Room faster than anyone else could. I could feel the wind through my sexy blonde hair. I looked exactly like Johnny Rockets! I burst through the door with my muscular body. Hunter the Poser was there! Haley had shot the preppy spell at him to return him to canon!

"Hunter the Poser I'm going to beat you up for what you're doing to the good Slytherin Sues." I lifted him clean into the air because I'm so strong. I'm also so sexy. Do you want to kiss my biceps? I know you do.

"It wasn't me I swear!" Hunter the Poser said like the wimp he is. "It was… … … … … … … … … … … …" He paused for a long time like he was in My Immortal or something.

Suddenly a poser man and woman walked through the door. They were posers! The man was this pathetic loser wearing a red shirt and khaki pants. The woman was this old bag with a huge floppy pink church hat with feathers on it and a long pink dress. It was… Billy and Mae Poseran! They were posers!

"Yes Sterling Pecks!" Billy yelled in statistically. "It was not Cecilia Joy Pink and Hunter the Poser who alerted the HMSAS! It was… … … … … … … … … … … us!1111111111"

"We want to destroy our niece/step daughter Hot Topic BloodRose once and for all! Mary Sues make life harder for everyone! Not just canon characters, but for good, true OCs like us too!" Mae Poseran cried.

"And we have a secret weapon!" Suddenly Billy summoned a gross middle aged balding man wearing a Kanye West shirt and Kendrick Lamar pants with a microphone in hand. It was… … … … … … … … Uncle Barry! He was here to rap us! Billy and Mae and Hunter put earplugs on!

"Yo, yo, yo, 'sup dawgz? My name is Uncle Barry and I'm here to say, I'm about to get down to this sick beat in every way!" Everyone cringed in horror. Even my strength was nothing compared to Barry's rapping. I fell to the floor sexily. Uncle Barry started singing a preppy version of an Eminem song! It was so bad that Seleno died!

"Yay!" muttered Haley as much as she could because she felt so weak because Uncle Barry's rapping was so bad. "Now Harry and Hermione have to get together!" was the last thing she said before passing out because of Uncle Barry's rapping.

Suddenly Blue Attitude ran in through the door and grabbed Haley and Seleno's body and then they rescued us from the rap-pocalypse. Haley woke up but Seleno didn't. This was because he was dead.

"NooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOOOOO!111111111111" Yelled Vespa Painflower like a banshee. "I was going to have goffic sex with him."

"Now you can't!" Said Haley Comet triumelephantly. She used her Sue powers to make Vespa and Pluto Potter make out keenly on the goffic red bed.

Meanwhile Irenetta had the iPod and put it around Seleno's head. She started playing Welcome to the Black Parade but nothing happened!111111111

"Oh no!111111111111111" Shouted Penty. "Seleno must have been a prep this whole time! He must have been hit with the preppy spell sometime earlier this week and Cecilia and Hunter and the cheerleaders made him a spy for the preps! Now he's dead forever and nothing could bring him back!" Everyone cried except for me, because I'm so manly.

"WHY?!11111111111111111" cried Hot Topic angstily. She gasped!


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Legit AN: RIP Seleno. May you join that Black Parade in the sky. Side note: Check out "Becoming Female" by Venus God, it's another laugh riot that this chapter makes fun of a little.

RAYNE'S POV LOL!

There goes a good pureblood, I think as Seleno Weasley's tombstone was rolled into the Slytherin Common Room on a black goffic forklift. It said: "Hair lyez Rawn "Selemono" Westley, capter fower of da firest fic 2 chaptree nineten of da secund. He wuz a good sexi goffic bi guy whole lovd to listden to GC and have sexual introcourse in the te Forbitten Borest." We shouldn't have let Hot Topic write it. Because we here in Slytherin are goffic and like death, we weren't going to bury him but rather leave him on the Slytherin Common Room so every time we saw him we would think of death. Yeah, even I thought that was kind of weird, and I'm queen of the Death Eaters.

Everyone put on "I Just Wanna Live" by GC on over the Slytherin Common Room loudspeakers. We considered it ours and Ron's song because it was playing when we met Seleno in the first fic. Everyone was crying tears of blood like in Da Ring 2 as they paid their last respects to Seleno. Out of respect to Seleno, at the reception we would have a goffic cutting session and at the reception they would serve Count Chocula with blood instead of milk.

"We er her 2 celebrat da lyfe or Solano Wesley, a goffic boy with spikky blond hiar and oftun joyned in on converzatons abot whu wus secier, Jerard Wait, Mickey Wai or Billie Ju Arumstrong," Said Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who was doing the eulogy. "We wil mis his guyliner andhis luv of goffic cutn sezzions."

Suddenly a preppy song came on the loudspeakers! It was a Preppy song by Kool and the Gang! Suddenly Seleno rose from the dead! He was wearing a mint green Hilary Duff T-shirt and aquamarine shorts! He was wearing no makeup at all and mauve shoes! His hair was normal boring red. His name was… … … … … … … … Ron Weasley! He pulled his wand out of his pocket and said "I shall destroy all of the goffs because I am a prep now! Suddenly he grabbed Sunset Moonstone and dragged her out of the common room!1 "I'm going to take Sunset to the Mary Sue disposal center! Sunset Moonstone is going to die!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111111111111111" Hot Topic shooted. She was afraid Sunset was going to die because Ron said she was going to die.

Suddenly Sarannah ran in with a potion. She gave it to Pluto Potter to drink. "This potion will give you super speed to catch up with Ron and Sunset if I made it right. If I didn't make it right, you'll permanently change gender." Pluto Potter drank it and then he turned into a girl. "I guess I put in too many frogs," Sarannah shrugged.

"Oh my God I'm a girl!1111111111111" yelled Pluto Potter.

"And what is wrong with being a girl?" Sunset yelled from far away feministly.

"Nothing! I'm a girl now! Hooray! My name is now Plata Potter."

"You're so sexy Plata Potter!" Yelled Draco in. "Do you want to have sex with me?" They took off each other's clothes and then Draco put his boy's thingie into Plata's new girl thingie and they HAD SEX! Meanwhile Haley Comet started crying because that means that Hermione and Harry couldn't get together and have perfect chosen-one babies like she wanted for canon. Desdemona was worried too because she was supposed to marry Ron and have his kids too.

Suddenly I remembered that Sunset needed to be saved by me! Because I'm an awesome Death Eater and Death Eaters protect their own Slytherins, I think. I ran out after Ron and Hot Topic, Angelica, Isla, Sasha, Eden, Delilah, Desdemona, Haley, and Sterling all followed me. When they were done screwing Draco and Plata followed me.

"Seleno Weasley you motherfuker!" I yelled in madly at the Gryffindor common room. Suddenly Sterling Pecks ran in and punched Ron in the face until he let Sunset go. That was easy. I mean, I was going to shoot Unforgiveable curses at him all day like all good Death Eaters do, but I guess Sterling's way works too. We ran back to our dorms on our broomsticks. Suddenly Haley shot a spell from across the room called the recanonizing spell!

"Canonico!" she shooted at Plata Potter and he turned back into a boy and became Pluto Potter again. Hot Topic cheered because that meant she could screw him again. But then suddenly his green and white tie turned into a red and gold tie. He was back in Gryffindor! And also his scar changed back into the lightning bolt and he needed glasses again! He changed his name back to Harry Potter! He ran away to the Gryffindor common room.

"WTF Haley!" I cried.

"I'm sorry I just wanted him to turn into a boy again so he could get married to Hermione and they would have a super-child called Goderick Gryffindor Potter who would defeat Super-Voldemort in the 2020's. I mean, that's what I would have done if I was JKR." Haley started crying tears of water.

Suddenly the siren blared again and the robot voice came back!111111111

"WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS HERE AT THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE CONTROL. HARRY POTTER AND RON WEASLEY HAVE BEEN CURED OF THEIR GOFFICNESS AND THEY ARE NOW NORMAL PREPS. UNFORTUNATELY WE HAVE YET TO CAPTURE AND DESTROY HOT TOPIC, SUNSET, AND ANGELICA AND THERE IS A FOURTH CONFIRMED SUE ON CAMPUS. HER NAME IS ISLA INFINITY AND SHE IS A KNOWN TACTICAL GENIUS. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CAPTURE ISLA INFINITY ON YOUR OWN AS SHE IS KNOWN TO BE INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS. SHE APPEARS TO HAVE ALIGNED HERSELF WITH HOT TOPIC, SUNSET, ANGELICA, AND POSSIBLY EVEN MARY SUE KINGPIN EBONY "ENOBY" DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY. IF YOU SEE ANY OF THESE GIRLS PLEASE CALL THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE CONTROL AND WE WILL CAPTURE AND TAKE CARE OF THE SUES OURSELVES. HELP US FIGHT THIS EPIDEMIC BY GIVING US ANY AND ALL INFORMATION YOU HAVE ABOUT THE CONFIRMED SUES AND ANY OTHER POSSIBLE CASES OF SUEISHNESS. THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY."

Suddenly posters with moving pictures of Hot Topic, Sunset, Angelica and Isla appeared on the walls! It said "Wanted for being Mary Sues." Angelica screamed perfectly.

Suddenly Haydeline ran in with the pink box again. "I never wanted to push the violet button, but I have to. Desperate times call for desperate measures!" She pressed the button and all of a sudden everyone bowed down and worshipped the girl who walked out of the purple light. She had long straight blonde hair that fell down to her ankles and violet eyes.

"My name is Faith Hope Charity, and everyone does what I say," Faith Hope said in a quiet but powerful voice, "because I am the all-powerful Mary Sue. Worship me."


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Legit AN: Only two more Sues, I promise.

FAITH HOPE'S POV LOL!11

Hello there. My name is Faith Hope Charity.

"OMFG Faith Hope!" Sunset yelled. "Pluto and Seleno are preps and canonical again. Can you help us?"

"Sunset. I want you to let me talk to Harry Potter," I said.

"Yes you may, Faith Hope," she said gently.

I apparated into the Gryffindor Common Room. I looked Harry Potter in the eye. He looked all hypnotized.

"Harry James Potter. You are now a goff." He put on a black leather jacket over an MCR t shirt with a picture of Joel Madden on it. He put on a black ripped pair of jeans and black Congress shoes with a picture of the Capitol Building on it (Storm's AN: LOL GEDDIT CUS DIS STAWRY TAKS PLACK IN AMERICA LOL AND NOT GREET BRITTEN (GEDDIT LIK BRITTENY SPEERS DAT PREPPY DITCH!)!). "You love to silt your wrists and have sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest." Suddenly he took out some mud and put it on his wrists. "You love screwing Hot Topic BloodRose in coffins and being there, looking so fucking hot."

"I love having sex with Hot Topic," Harry said woozily.

"Your name is Pluto Potter, alternatively Plato, or Pulltone, or Plinko, or Ploto, or Plooto. You are a goff!1111"

"My name is Pluto Potter," Plinko muttered loudly. "I am a GOFF!11111111111111111" he roared. Suddenly he took off all his clothes and ran out into the hallway even though he was naked! "Wait Hot Topic! I want to screw you!".

I ran out after him heroically. Some preps screamed because the Boy Who Lived was running through the halls naked. He had a really big you-know-what but everyone was too mad to care. He ran into the Slytherin Common Room and he took off Hot Topic's black leather corset stuff and black GC t-shirt. She took off her black lacy leather miniskirt and her black ripped underwear. She even took off her bra. Then he put his wetness into her you-know-what and they did it in front of everyone. I cheered. Suddenly Draco took off all of his black GC clothes and put his boy's thingie in Pluto's!111111 "Oh Pluto Pulltone!" Draco yelled in pleasure. Everyone clapped because they looked so sexy. Then they fell asleep, lol!

Just as they fell asleep I felt a premonition that a siren was going to come into the room! It did!

"OMFG siren WTF?" Yelled Hot Topic energetically.

"WARNING. WARNING. WARNING. THIS IS THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE ALERT SYSTEM WITH AN IMMEDIATE WARNING TO ALL HOGWARTS STUDENTS AND FACULTY. A FIFTH SUE HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED IN WHAT HAS BECOME THE MARY SUE EPIDEMIC OF 2016. SASHA ORCHID, A SEVENTH YEAR FROM SLYTHERIN, HAS TESTED POSITVE FOR SUE SYMPTOMS, SUCH AS AN IMPROBABLY TRAGIC AND LIKELY FABRICATED BACKSTORY. KNOW THE SYMPTOMS OF MARY SUEISM. IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW STARTS DISPLAYING ANY OF THESE SYMPTOMS: IMPROBABLE BODY SHAPE, BENDING UNIVERSE RULES, VIOLET OR HETEROCHROMIC EYES, EVER UNTARNISHED BEAUTY, ABSURD POWER, INSTANT PERSUASION, AND BEING THE BEST AT EVERYTHING, CALL THE NORSE'S OFFICE AT 555-DA-NORSE. IF DETECTED EARLY, SUEISHNESS CAN BE REVERSED. WE CAN END SUETIFULNESS TOGETHER."

"Pop Addellum!11111" Hot Topic yelled and chains came all over the loudspeaker. This accomplished nothing.

"It's so unfair!" Sasha Orchid yielded. "Don't they know that my mother died in childbirth and then my father died in childbirth because he had a heart attack and died when he found out my mother had died in childbirth?"

"I have an idea!" Draco yelled. This included having more sex with Hot Topic.

Suddenly an angry man ran in. It was Snap! He had some whips and a Dork Mark on his you-know-what. "Oh no!" we all muttered.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

HOT TOPIC'S POV LOL!111111

OMFG it us Spap! He drove a flying car circumamcizing above us! He shoetterd spells at us! I wonder who was driving the car that was being driven by Snap. It was… … … Snap!11 Suddenly… I took out my zblack MCR gun! It shot ballots. I voted for Gerard Way for dogcatcher!

Snap was loafing meenly. Den he crashed the car into a wall! He ran out of the car. He pulled down his pants and we saw da dork mark on his u now what.

"I'll rap Darko wif Unclo Barr unless you giv us da pnki box!" Sudden;y Unkie Barry jumped oft from bendhind a wall!

"Nevre!" I yelt sa I rund awai from Snake. I grubbed the box from Hoydeline and ran tru the hallz. Dere all the moving portrairsts of goffic bands lik MCR and Nrivanan ant Bloody Cliché Rose 6,666 were stairing (lol geddit I wus rinning down the stairs) at mee. I brust into tears sadly.

Suddenly Loopin was there at the bottom of the stairs! He shot a ballet at me!111111111111

"Nooooooooo!11111111111111111 Anything but Swan Lake!" I cried as the ballet hit me and I died! I was back in limbo!

The colors were squirreling around me agan as my vampire soul descended into hell. I was so happi becuaz I lik deth. And now I wuz ded! My lif flashd be4 my is. I saw me and Darko having sex in a tree. I saw turning pentagrams into guitars in advanced biology class. I saw a black guy shooting Lucian and Serious. Soddenli I reelized that I wasnt gong (geddit, lik gong under) to hel… I wuas going to… … the past! I gessed I went bak in Tim instead of diing!

I wok up on the grassy floor. I was wearing a bhlack leather corset dress with a matching thong and a black hat. The thong sed goffic gurl in very small lettrse on the butt. Sudddenlt I was lookin into the fac of a totz hot goffic bi guy! It was… … … … … … … … … … Hedwig! Hedwig was a guy and a person and bi and not a girl or an owl or presumably straight!111111111

"Welcum to da Fiftiez agan (lol, geddit, lik welcom to the black prarade by Mi Chemicell Romanz.) I'm… … … … … Hedwig! Is there anything u wold lkike to dew?"

"I wold like to do it with you," I said flirtily. Suddenly he took off his black MRC band t from the Wurped Tower and his black ripped pants. I took off all mi cloves too and I saw he had a huge you-know-what! I put it in me and we did it sexily on the feeld.

"OMS Hedwig!" I screemed gettin' an organza.

"I love you Storm!111111" Headwig scremed. "Hey Hot Tawpic," he asked me, "have you ever wondered why even though you have so much unprotected sex you never get pregnant?"

"Im a Sue, u kno, I can bend da rulz of da univerz to fit ma whims. I'll neva get pregnent becuss kids are so preppy." I flipped my waste length enoby black hair with red streeks dat Hedwig.

Sudenlit, a blak Tim Machin landed on the grund besids me! A goffic guy with goffic red hair jumped out of it! He was wearing his goffic blue jeans and goffic red windbreaker and goffic black t that said "Who needs canon when you have MCR?". It was… … … … Philip J. Fri! He ran out of the creeogenics chambre and so did… … … … … … … Susnet, Daisy, Drake, Plato, Penty, Vesper, Sarannah, Irenetta, Haydeline, Angelina, I'lla, Slusha, Edent, Reign, Delightla, Destemone, Helly (geddit, hell), Sterlin, and Feth Hop Cherry Tea!1111111

"Hot Topic you have to get back to the present now!" Angelica yelled perfectly, waving her arms around madly and perfectly.

I wus reeley sexy rigt then. Suddenli I ran upto Draco Malfy and then I tuook off his MCR shirt and GC pants! He put his wetness in my tool and we did it again!

Angelica grabbed me bye my arm and dragged us itno the cryingogenics camber whil we wree skreiwng! We were frozen whil he had his thingie in my you know what! Suden;y we were in da futura. I dicided to screw Harry Pluto now so he stook off his Simple Plan t hsirt and his leather pants. He started to screw me with his sexy you-know-what!

"Hot Topic you need to stop having sexx with goffic boys for one second so that we can protect the box from the preps and Snap and Loopin! Isla yelled madly at me."

I got up and put on a ripped MCR t shirt with reel vampire blood on it. I put on a black lacy poofy skirt with a pitcher of Draco and I making out keenly. Pluto put on a black neon green shirt with apicture of a black Tim Machine.

Isla had the pink box which she had recuvered from the preps! I ran up and press the red button lik ma red eyeshadow. A red light cummed out oft he pink box and a mean lookin' gurl with aubrun here ran out of the box.

"You fukin bastards!" She yelled at me. "I hate you so much but not as much as I hate Snap and Loopin!" Snap ran into the room and then the mean girl beat him up. Snap ran away crying tears of water. Then she turnned to us! "My nam is Cheyenne Reece and I hate preps so much!"

"Hooray! I screamed." Then to celebrate Draco took off his pnats and his boxers and put his huge you know what in my tool. He had a really big you know what but I was too busy screwing him to care.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

CHEYENNE'S POV LOL!11111111111111111111111

I'm Cheyenne Reece and I hate preps so much! They're so… pink and I just hate them! I hate them so much!

"Yeah!11111111111111111111111111" screamed Hot Topic.

I marched right over to the Gryffindor common room and broke down the door with my red Sue-Katana.

"CECILIA JOY PINK YOU MOTHERFUKER!" I yelled at Cecilia. I hated her so much. "Give us back Seleno Weasley and Luna Lovegood! Their names are Seleno and Shelly (geddit, hell) and they are goffic at heart. Give them to us!"

"Okay, Cheyenne," Cecilia said softly. Ron and Luna jumped out from behind a wall. I shot the goffic spell at them and then they turned back to Seleno and Shelly. Because they were goffic they took off all their black clothes and started screwing on the floor.

When they finished having sexual intercourse in the Gryffindor common room we walked back to the Slytherin common room and everyone said yay. Suddenly Irenetta ran in.

"Cheyenne!111111 How did you convince Cecilia to give us back Seleno and Luna?!1111111111111" Irenetta roared.

"I don't know, she just let me," I shooted.

"It's because you're a Mary Sue, Cheyenne!" Haydeline screamed. "You can do anything you have no flaws!"

"That's so awesome," I muttered energetically. Suddenly a loud siren started coming all over the room.

"WARNING. WARNING. WARNING. WE HAVE REACHED CODE ORANGE OF SUE. WE HAVE SIX CONFIRMED SUES ON HOGWARTS GROUNDS. EDEN MELODY OF GRYFFINDOR HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR RELATIONSHIP SUE. SHE HAS ATTACHED HERSELF TO DRACO MALFOY WHO HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR MINOR SUEISH QUALITIES AND IS BEING TRACKED DOWN BY DA NORSE TO BE TREATED FOR THESE. IF YOU SEE EDEN MELODY OR ANY OF THE OTHER SUES, TURN THEM IN TO THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE CONTROL UNIT. REMEMBER, ONLY YOU –" I made the loudspeaker explode by touching it because it made me so mad.

"We're all going to die!1111111111111111111111111" Angelica yelled perfectly.

Suddenly a woman wearing a Viking helmet knocked down the door. It was… Da Norse! She started singing an opera to us!

"Hot Topic!" she sang angrily. "You are going to get treated for your Mary Sueishness!" She tried to grab Hot Topic but then she, Sunset, Angelica, Isla, Sasha, Eden, Rayne, Delilah, Desdemona, Haley, Sterling, Faith Hope and I repelled her with our Sue powers! That was easy. She ran out crying.

"Hey, since we're so powerful, why don't we just take over Hogwarts and force all the preps out?" Desdemona suggested wisely.

"First, we should press the last button!" Isla whispered angrily. "It will help with our strategies!" She pressed the orange button and an orange light came all over the place. A woman floated out of the box and floated around the room in an orange aura! Everything started shaking. Reality started to bend around her! "My name is Electra Trinity." We gasped!

Suddenly Voldemort ran in with a gun! We gasped! He shot Electra Trinity a gazillion times but none of the bullets got on her. They all ricocheted off her and into Voldemort. He died! We gasped. I was so mad.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Legit AN: Last Sue, I promise.

ELECTRA'S POV, LOL!

I am Electra Trinity and I can bend the rules of the universe! I'm so powerful, that I can make anything work the way I want to.

"Electra Trinity can you help us defeat the preps?!" Sunset MoonStone yelled like a wild dog. Suddenly the sirens began to blare suicidally.

"WARNING. WARNING. WARNING. A RECORD SEVEN SUES HAVE BEEN CONFIRMED ON CAMPUS GROUNDS. RAYNE STORMCLOUD IS NOT ONLY A SUE, BUT A DANGEROUS DEATH EATER, BLISSFULY UNAWARE THAT DEATH EATERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A METAPHOR FOR NAZISM. THIS SUE IS BELIEVED TO BE THE MOST DANGEROUS OF THE SEVEN MARY SUES DUE TO HER LOVE OF THE UNFORGIVABLE CURSES. WE HERE AT THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE ALERT SYSTEM MUST WARN OF THE DANGERS OF THE GOFFIC WAYS. IF YOU HEARD THE PRECEDING SENTENCE AND THOUGHT "LOL, GEDDIT, LIKE GERARD WAY," YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM EARLY STAGES OF GOFFICISM, A GATEWAY DISEASE INTO BECOMING A MARY SUE OR MARTY STU. BEGINNING GOFFICISM, KNOWN AS STAGE ONE GOFFICISM, STARTS WITH DESIRES TO LISTEN TO WHAT IS IN THE COMMON TOUNGE REFERED TO AS "EMO" MUSIC BUT INSISTING ON CALLING IT "GOFFIC", WITH BANDS SUCH AS MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, OR "MCR", GOOD CHARLOTTE, OR "GC", OR "GOOD CHRALOOTE", OR MARILYN MANSON, AS WELL AS DESIRES TO HOARDE BLACK COSMETICS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO LIPSTICK, EYE SHADOW, NAIL POLISH AND **_TONS_** OF BLACK EYELINER. IF YOU BEGIN TO SHOW SYMPTOMS OF GOFFICISM, REPORT TO DA NORSE IMMEDIATELY."

Suddenly I made a microphone come out of thin air and it was broadcasting all over the school instead of the Hogwarts Mary Sue Alert System!

"Hello, this is Electra Trinity and I am here to represent the goffics of Hogwarts. This message is for the preppy leaders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. If you don't relinquish control of the school over to the goffic ppl, we will continue to screw with the Harry Potter canon. We already have Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Ron and Ginny Weasley, and Luna Lovegood hostage. If you don't give into our demands for moving posters of MCR and Nirvana all over the walls and the Great Hall painted black but you can see the pink pant underneath the black pant and pastors of poser bands like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys, we will take even more Harry Potter characters and force them into the goffic way!" I made Neville Longbottom come into the room. I held my wand to his head. "I have Neville Longbottom and if you don't get out a roller full of black paint right now, I am going to make him goffic!" Shelly screamed.

Suddenly Dumblydum ran in madly. "Hot Topic you are now princepill of the school!" Everyone cheered. "Sunset MoonStone is now vice-princepill, Angelica Snowbird is now in charge of teaching Transformation, Isla Infinity in charge of Defense against the Preppy Arts, Sasha Orchid Hair of Magical Magic Creatures, Eden Melody in charge of Deviation, Rayne Stormcloud of Portents, Delilah Firestarter now has Mr. Norris' job, Desdemona Craven the teacher of advanced biology, Haley Comet of math, Sterling Pecks of Astronomy taking over for Professor Sinister, Faith Hope Charity teaching My Chemical Romance appreciation class, Cheyenne Reece of Flying Car driving classes, and Electra Trinity of Goffic Studies!"

Everyone in the school started singing a goffic version of Mambo Number Five!

"A little bit of Hot Topic in the Forbidden Forest,

A little bit of Sunset in Voldemprt's Lair,

A little bit of Angelica in a black Mercy Benz,

A little bit of Isla in the Grate Hall,

A little bit of Sasha sitting on her broomstick,

A little bit of Eden like a Maru Sue,

A little bit of Rayne in a ripped leather corset,

A little bit of Delilah keenly against a tree,

A little bit of Desdemona with a tattoo that says Vampire,

A little bit of Haley like a stupid preppy fucker,

A little bit of Sterling in the snow and rain,

A little bit of Faith Hope with a dude-ur-so-retarded look,

A little bit of Cheyenne busting into tears,

A little bit of Electra sounding like a cross between MCR, GC and Slipknot!"

We were so happy and glad to be in charge of the school! I made all the walls turn black and a big picture of Goderick Gryffindor turned into a picture of Voldemort giving Enoby a gun. Cecilia and Hunter and Daphne and Georgia and Madeline and Caitlin and Hannah and Jasmine and Ivy ran away. We gasped.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Legit AN: I think by this point you're supposed to be sympathizing with the preps. The goffs and the Sues are funnier though.

Also, I'm sorry I haven't been able to put up that many chapters lately. I meant to put one up on Sunset's birthday (Sept. 29th.) I've been a little under the weather lately, but I'm going to try to get a little more done. This one's a long one, just for you.

ANGELICA'S POV LOL!

We were so happy being in charge of the school. We threw another talent contest! No preps were allowed!

Dumblydork ran up on the stage. "Ladies, gentlemen, motherfukers, it is time for the fuking talent contest!" I guess he had a headache. I shot a spell and ibuprofen came out and Dumblydore took some. He stopped swearing. "Our first act will be Seleno Weasley!"

Seleno ran onto the stage suicidally. He read a poem he wrote about silting ones wrists and crying tears of blood. He explained how it happened in "vrampir croniclez" and that Raven said so. Everyone cheesed for him.

His sister Penty Slipknot was next. She was wearing a black leather mini with a picture of Gerard Way and beneath it there were red goffic letters that said "Major Fucking Hottie". She named every article of clothing Enoby Way ever wore and everyone cheered for her great memory. Shelly Lovegood read from My Immortal. Vespa Painflower displayed how you could use a Pensive to go back in time as opposed to revisiting a memory. Daisy taught everyone some basic Japanese like hajimemachite.

Suddenly Pluto Potter ran up on the stage. Hot Topic ran up on stage and took off all her clothes; a pair of neon black fishnet tights with a red mini skirt and a black MCR t shirt with a picture of Gerard Way wearing guyliner. She even took off her bar. Pluto Potter took off his black ripped pants and his giant black GC long sleeved shirt. Hot Topic took off his boxers and Pluto put his thingie into her you know what. They laid down on the floor of the stage and started doing it. Everyone cheered, except for one girl. She was a prep.

"I'm sorry sir and ma'am, you're going to have to leave." She was a prep.

"Fuck off you fucking bastard!" Cheyenne yelled and she started to suck the prep's blood. Suddenly we saw who the prep was. It was… Lavender! She started screaming. Then she ran away. I screamed perfectly.

Suddenly while Hot Topic was screwing Pluto Potter Hot Topic saw a tattoo she'd never seen before on his arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody goffic writing were the words "Pluto". She was so angry. "Bastard!" She yelled, but she didn't get up because she loved screwing Pluto Potter so much.

"Hot Topic you don't understand!" Pluto Potter said as he got an orgasm. "I'm Pluto Potter!"

"Yay!" Hot Topic yelled and she continued to screw him! Then they both fell asleep.

Then Draco jumped up on the stage! "You bustard!" Draco yelled at Pluto, comparing him to a wild, medium sized bird related to the cuckoo that lives in Eastern Europe. "I want to shit next to her!"

"No I do!11111" Yelled Harry waking up. They started shooting at each other with guns! Pluto was naked! He had a really huge you know what but I was too concerned with saving myself for marriage to care.

Suddenly Dumblydore ran in through the room and on to the stage! "Now for our next fucking performance, Isla Infinity!" He had a headache again.

Isla ran up on the stage while Draco and Pluto were still shooting at each other. She demonstrated how to use a Sue-Katana. Sasha gave a monologue about her traumatic life story. Eden Melody sang a song about how much she loves Draco. Rayne Stormcloud painted a picture of Voldemort on stage with water colors. He had red eyes and no nose basically like Voldemort in the movie. Delilah Firestarter sang a punk rock version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" so it wasn't all sappy. Desdemona Craven spouted some intelligent facts smartly. Haley Comet fixed canon to her liking. Sterling Pecks lifted weights with Desdemona and Haley on top of them. He was so strong. Faith Hope Charity hypnotized Neville and made him cluck like a chicken. Cheyenne made everything catch fire because she was so mad. Electra Trinity floated around in her orange aura bubble. I sang an aria perfectly with my perfect soprano voice. I was perfect. Suddenly while I was singing Dumblydore ran back onto the stage.

"Our final contestant… Sunset Moonstone!" I gasped perfectly. Everyone else gasped less perfectly.

Sunset ran onto the stage and sang a version of "I Love Your Body, Baby" by Blue Attitude! Everyone cheered and her heart soared.

Dumbledore ran back up on the stage. And the winner is… A fourteen-way tie between Hot Topic, Sunset, Angelica, Isla, Sasha, Eden, Rayne, Delilah, Desdemona, Haley, Sterling, Faith Hope, Cheyenne, and Electra! We all ran down onto the stage and we each got one of fourteen trophies. All Sues win at everything, so we all had to win!

Suddenly a loud noise came into the room imperfectly. "THIS IS THE HOGWARTS MARY SUE ALERT SYSTEM, ALIVE AND WELL. THE MARY SUE CONTROL SYSTEMS ARE ALIVE AND WELL, RUN BY THE PREPPY RESISTANCE! WE WILL NEVER STOP WARNING PEOPLE ABOUT THE MARY SUES! IN FACT, WE FOUND OUT ALL THE PERSONAL DETAILS ABOUT AN EIGHTH CONFIRMED MARY SUE, ONE DELILAH FIRESTARTER. DO NOT LET THE FACT SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT DETER YOU FROM REALIZING THAT THIS WOMAN IS IN FACT A MARY SUE! FIGHT THE NEW MARY SUE REGIME! JOIN THE PREPPY RESISTENCE! THIS MESSAGE WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY CECILIA JOY PINK, HUNTER THE POSER, AND THE CHEERLEADERS!"

I started crying perfectly. But I was crying tears of water!

"OMFFG ANGLICA!1111111111" Hot Topic yelled. "Ur cring ters of water lik a prep! Ur a stupid preppy fucker!"

"I hate preps so much!" Cheyenne yelled loudly.

"U suk Angeline u flammr now I'm gunna slit ma wrists." She ran away suicidally. I was worried she was going to commit suicide. But I was so sad. Hot Topic had called me a prep! I ran back to my room crying.

I looked in the mirror. My hair was blonde, and I had blue eyes, but Resolution Blue, and not icy blue like limpid tears. I was wearing a white dress with no rips or corset stuff or pictures of Gerard Way. I was wearing pink lipstick, blue eyeshadow, and silver eyeliner. I was wearing foundation that was appropriate to my skin tone and not too pale. I was not a goff, but I was a prep!

I threw away all of my MCR CDs and ripped down the moving poster of Joel Madden perfectly. I threw out all of my black lipstick and red eyeshadow. I ran out of my room and into the Gryffindor common room. I yelled to Cecelia Joy Pink!

"Cecilia Joy Pink I want to become a prep!" I cried perfectly. "I do not want to slit my wrists and listen to Slipknot! I am happy all the time! I don't think bi guys are so hot and I think that giving the middle finger to people just for giving you a weird look is an over-reaction!"

"Excellent!" Cecilia screamed at the top of her lungs. She grabbed a microphone! She talked into it loudly.

"THIS IS THE PREP RESISTANCE HERE TO SAY THAT ANGELICA SNOWBIRD, FORMER GOFF, HAS JOINED THE PREP RESISTANCE! WE WILL RECLAIM HOGWARTS FROM OUR GOFFIC OPPRESSORS! THIS IS A WARNING TO ALL OF THE OTHER GOFFICS AND MARY SUES THAT RESISTANCE TO PREPPYNESS IS FUTILE! SOON EVERYONE WILL BE LISTENING TO THE BACK STREET BOYS AND NOT MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! GET USED TO WEARING PINK EYESHADOW INSTEAD OF BLACK BECAUSE NOW WE HAVE THE POWER OF THE SUE!"

I could hear Hot Topic gasp.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Legit AN: Sorry for that long break again. I'll try not to let that happen again.

HOT TOPIC'S POV LOL!

I was so mad and sad that Anglerica had becummed a prep. She waz no lunger B'loody Angelica, she wuz plane old Anglelica! I went to ma rom and i list ma wirsts. I streeted cring. Daizy ran intwo the rum nad trid to comfort me byt I tlod her to fuok of and put on "Tenangers" by MCR. I started moshing. I ran into Draco's room sandly.

"Hey Dracon," I muttered loudly, "Can u take off all of ur cloves so we can screw?" I took off my black leathr finsh mnets.

"Uf corse, Holt Topic!" He took off his lack leather pants with pictruers of mcr and gc all over tem. I too k off my black corset minidress and Itook off my bra. I took off his boxers and he took of my black lacy thong that had tiny pictures of MCR on it. He had a huge u know what and when I saw it I almost got an erection except I'm a gurl, so I din't get one, u sico! We started making out naked and then he put his thingie into my you know what and we had sex again. Suddenloy a goffic man cummed up behind us. It was… … Pluto Pottr! He was naked and he started screwing Draco. Draco sopt screwing me! I started to cry.

"OMG Pluto Plinko!" Draco ylled haply as therir glocks touched! Suddenly a man ran through the door! He had blonde curly hair like straw but it was nice and not dry, so not like straw. He was wearing a black leather faucet and MCR pants. He waz wearong iliner! It was… … … Cedrik! He looked so sexy.

"Hot Topeka I am here to help u deffeet the preps but first let's screw!" He took off all of his clothes. He put his thingie in ma you know what and we sarted screwing eechodder.

"Oh Cedric! Cedric!" I scremed as I sturted to organza. "Oh Hot Topic! I need to feel u!" He cried. Suddenly all the other Sues ran into the room!

Sunset Montstone was wering a black lacy poofy dress with bictures of Billy Joel with blond hair. Ilsa Infine was wearing a black gothic skull pentagram necklace with her gold flewr length drezz. Slusha Orkind was wering a gray dress with a picture of her gray Sue-Katana on IT. Adan Melodic was wearin a pink dress with MCR lyricz al offer it. Rain Strom Clod was weraring a blak pentagram turning into a black guitar with leather comblat bluets. Delta Firestreet was weraing a yellow MCR t shirt and yellow baggy skater pants. Dustymona Craving was wearing a blue dress with a picture of a black car with pentagrams on it. Halley Comet was wearing a green leather corset dress with pictures wof Enoby making out with Draco keenly against a tree. Sterling Pac was wearing an indigo shirt wit a picture of TaEbory shotting the Crookshanks curse at Voldemprt and indigo shorts. Fath Hop Carty was wearing a violet MCR GC Slipknot Simple Plan t shirt and a Violet skrit. Choyan Reeze was weraing a red leather jocket and a red pentagraj dres. Elettra Trinit was wearing an orange dress and an orange aura.

"OMFG Hole Topic!" Sunse Moonstore yelled at me. "Angelic is a prep now!"

"I no dat can u al leeve me along so I can scrw Cerdic?"

Suddenly Angleica's voice cummed in2 da room.

"HELLO HOT TOPIC, THIS IS ANGELICA SNOWBIRD, PREP EXTRAORDINARE. I AM HERE TO WARN HOGWARTS OF ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS SUES, A CHAMELEON SUE THAT CAN DISGUISE ITSELF AS A CANON CHARACTER. DESDEMONA CRAVEN IS A SUE THAT APPEARS TO BE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE CANON PLACE OF HERMIONE GRANGER WHILE SHE IS GOFFICIZED AS "VESPA PAINFLOWER." NEVERTHELESS DESDEMONA IS A MARY SUE AND NEEDS TO BE DESTROYED! IF YOU'RE A PREP IN HOGWARTS, NOW IS THE TIME TO ACT! JOIN THE PREPPY RESISTANCE AND WE CAN DEFEAT THE MARY SUES TOGETHER. FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO LISTEN TO ASHLEE SIMPSON AND THE BACK STREET BOYS!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!111111111111111111111111111111111" I yelled as I stopped screwin Cerdric. "We ned 2 stop da preppy resisitestnce." Suddenly an idea I had and Yoda I became. I came towards Sterling Pecks. I took off my black MCR lacy skirt and MCR t shirt with a picture of Joel Madden on it. I took off Sterling's indigo blue Simple Plan shirt (dey wood play at da show too) and his pants. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection, only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. I was so sexy that his body went all hot when he saw me kind of like an erection only he's a boy so he did get one you sicko. He took off his black MCR boxers and I took off my leather bra and panties. Then he put his wetness into my tool and we did it.

"Oh my Satan Hot Topic Whole Tonic!" He screemed as he HAD SEX with me.

"Oh Sterlin!" I sheouted as I got an organza.

"OMS! Hot Topic I ned 2 fel u!" he cried passively.

"Hey, Streling," I said as we screwed, "We ned to go back in Tim and stop the Preps from becumming preppy losers!"

"Yeah!11111111111" He roared. He took his thingie out of my you know what and he put on an indigo leather t shirt with a picture of Billy Joel Armstrong on it. Then he put on a black lacy baggy pair of pants with a picture of Amy Leeigh on it.

We were all wondrin ho to go black (geddit) in Tim when suldenly a mun jump dot frum behin a wall. He was wiearing a goffic leather MCR shirt that said "Avril Lavigne" on it. He was wearing foggic GC pnts but it was cold and he didn't have a goffic jakket so he just had 2 wear his preppy canon red jacket. He had gofic spiky red hair with red streaks in it. It was… Philippe J Fri!

"Holt Topic let's go bak 2 da Fifties and talk to Lucian!" He screamed passively.

"Yeah!" I roared. Evrey 1 jumpsed intwo the black Tim machine and suddenly we were back in Tim! It was da Fifties so we ran into da Slydderin Common room of dat Tim. Lucian was in a corner cutting… his hair.

"OMFG Nucien we need to spek to u!" Eela Infintty yelld.

"WWhatz wrong?" He asked curiously.

"The preps have taken over te Skquewl sixtie years in da futurr!" Edden Meloci cried.

"Oh my Satan!1111111" He said in a v. serious voice. "What dick did that?"

Suddenly… Cecilicica jumped out of the Tim Machine. We gasped. She pointed her wand at Lucian!

"Abra Kadabra!" She screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111" We all cried. We gasped.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Legit AN: What a cliffhanger! I gasped!

SUNSET'S POV LOL!1111

We were all worried Lucian was going to die because Cecilia had shot the killing spell at him. But the spell just bounced right off him!

"Ha ha! The killing spell wasn't invented in this time so it won't work, you stupid preppy fucker!" Lucius cockled.

"I hate you! I hate you so much!" Cecilia grabbed the Tim Machine and went back to the Present.

"No!" Isla yelled dramatically. "That was our only way to get back to the Present! Now we're stuck in the Fifties!"

Hot Topic took out a steak and tried to slit her wrists but she couldn't because a steak is a slab of meat.

"Hot Topic this isn't the time for suicide," I said suicidally.

"But, Snowset, if u dye uou go bak in Tim!" Hot Topic explained.

"You're right!" I cried. "If we all die, then we can get back to the Present!"

"But the killing curse hasn't been invented yet!" Sasha Orchid moaned statistically. "How can we die?"

Suddenly, an idea I had! I found a DVD on the floor. It was… The Nutcracker! Ballets can kill goffs, you know. I put it on and Hot Topic screamed in pain.

"Hey Sunset," Lucian screamed wisely, "how did you find a DVD and working DVD player in 1955?"

"That's one of my magical Sue powers!" I screamed.

Meanwhile Hot Topic was running around screaming. "OMFG NOOOOOOOOOO!111111111 I can't stand ballets!" she screamed. Then she fell down and died. Lucian hid her body in a closet.

I passed around some steaks and everyone slit their wrists with them. Draco, Pluto, Seleno, Vespa, Penty, Philip Fry, Isla, Sasha, Eden, Rayne, Delilah, Desdemona, Haley, Sterling, Faith Hope, Cheyenne, Electra and I all slit our wrists with the steaks! We died!

Suddenly we were all in Limbo. We were going back in Tim!

"Hey Sunset," Sterling said, "Hot Topic said that you could have sex in Limbo! Do you want to have sex in Limbo with me?"

"OMFG Yes!" I screamed flirtily.

I took off my black MCR mini with a picture of Amy Lee on it (AN: If you don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) and Sterling took off his leather pants. I took off his shit and he had a sex pack (lol geddit). He took off his black boxers and I took off my black leather bar and panties. Then he put his wetness in me and we started having Limbo sex! Meanwhile, everyone else was playing limbo in Limbo! Bloody Cliché Rose sang a cover of "Limbo Rock" as everyone went under the limbo stick.

Sterling and I were having wonderful Limbo sex when all of a sudden we heard something hit the floor. It was… the limbo stick! Delilah had knocked it onto the floor of Limbo!

"OMFG Delilah!" Cheyenne yelled at the top of her lungs. "You idiot! You knocked down the limbo bar!" She punched Delilah in the face!

Suddenly we emerged on the other side! Hot Topic was there. We looked around disfustedly. Suddenly we saw that all the women were wearing poofy skirts with no goffic MCR pictures and all the guys were wearing suits and they were black but we could tell they weren't goffic!

"OMG!" Screamed Desdemona Craven angstily. "We're not in 2016 after all… we're in… … … … … … 1905!


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Legit AN: Yeah, I said no more Sues… I lied. I'd also like to give a big shout out to the Harry Potter Wiki for the crash course in Malfoy family history. Not like I give a damn about canon though, in the great tradition of the Suethor. Also, geddit, they go 111 years into the past, like how Tara used 1's at the end of sentences?

And, again, I'm sorry at these horrifyingly long breaks between chapters. It's starting to dawn on me that I might be a little burnt out on Xtremly Scray, but I love it too much to kill it. Just to let you know, I have been writing – but I like to work really far in advance, and I decided a long arc I was working on was a bad idea. So chapters 29-33 just went in the trash and I had to start from scratch, but, of course, that's writing. I love XS too much to shelve it forever, but I might close the book on XS 2 before too long. What I'm thinking of doing is do another section of XS every summer – ie. XS 3 in summer 2017 and so on, now focusing on each of the Sues. To the roughly three people who care about XS, I thank you. Enjoy the ride.

CHEYENNE'S POV LOL!

"What the fuck are we doing in the 1900's?!11111111" I yelled.

"I guess when we all slit our wrists we went back in time instead of dying," Eden Melody said statistically. "I guess we can only go back in time, not forward."

"And we still don't have the Tim Machine!" Rayne Stormcloud yelled as she started crying tears of blood.

"We're stuck in 1905 forever!" Haley Comet moaned. I was so angry I punched a bench and it broke. Suddenly I realized… … … … we were still at Hogwarts! We all ran inside to the 1905 Slytherin Common Room. We expected to see Dumblydore there or maybe Voldemort but there was a girl there. She was wearing a light pink poofy Victorian style dress. I hated her.

Faith Hope Charity walked up to her. She tried to hypnotize her. "Ma'am, do you know if there is a Tim Machine here?" she said energetically lethargically. But… … … … the girl wasn't being hypnotized! The girl was… … … … … … … … … … … … a Mary Sue!

"Hi my name is Annalise Bernadette Celeste Diana Emilia Felicity Gloria Hazel Imogen Josie Katherine Luella Matilda Nina Opal Priscilla Queenie Renee Selene Tatiana Ursula Vanessa Wilma Xenia Yvonne Zara Snowdrop!" She said, pulling us in with her massive Sue powers.

Suddenly a man walked in. He looked just like Draco! It was… Abraxus Malfoy! He was Draco's grandfather! "Hi Annalise!" He said happily.

"This is my boyfriend Abraxus Malfoy!" Annalise said dramitacly. "All Mary Sues are dating Malfoys, you know."

"OMG ur ma greandfather!" Draco yelled in madly. He was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t shirt and a pair of leather pants.

"That's interesting!" said Abraxus waving his arms.

"I can use my Mary Sue powers to send you forward in Tim!" Annalise yelled. "Remember, Mary Sues are as old as Tim. No matter where you go all over the world or throughout Tim or across canons you can always depend on the Mary Sue Network!" She used all of her Mary Sue might but we didn't go anywhere. "Huh? Mary Sues can do anything, even bend the rules of the universe!"

"There's too many of us for one Sue to travel all of us through 111 years of Tim!" Desdemona said intelligently.

Hot Topic started to cry tears of blood. Annalise didn't know about them. "Hey, is that a tear?" she said, touching a tear.

Suddenly a light flashed all over the place! I was so angry at it that I punched it. Suddenly the light turned into the Tim Machine! Morti McFli walked out of the black DeLorean. And… … … … … … … … … … … Sarannah, Irenetta, and Haydeline were with him!

"Hot Topic!" Irenetta yelled in madly. "I called Morti McFli on my black Linkin Park mobile! Now we can go forward in Tim!" Hot Topic, Draco, Vespa, Seleno, Penty, Sunset, Isla, Sasha, Eden, Rayne, Delilah, Desdemona, Haley, Sterling, Faith Hope, Electra, Philip J. Fri, and I all jumped in. Annalise didn't!

"OMF Annalise!" Faith Hope said annoyingly. "You should come with us to help us fight the preps!"

"I can't do that! I have to stay in the past!" Annalise started to cry tears of water. Suddenly I realized… … … … … … … … She was a prep! I was about to jump out and punch her in the face for being a prep when we started to go into the future! Suddenly I went flying out of the DeLorean!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111" Yelled everyone. I was stuck in Limbo again. Suddenly a man with a long black bread walked up to me! He let me have a slice of his black bread.

"I am Father Time. Are you the people going back and forth in me in a black DeLorean?"

"Yeah WTF I need to get back to the present! I was in the past, Father Time!"

"Call me Tim," he said looking at me weirdly. I can send you back to 2016, Cheyenne! As a Mary Sue, you can control the forces of Time! He shotted a spell and Tim sent me forward in Tim.

Suddenly I woke up in the present. I was outside. All the other Sues were laying on the grassy floor. Suddenly I looked around and screamed!

Everywhere was pink! All of the students in Hogwarts had to change their names to names like Christina and Ashlee and Leroy and other preppy names! There was a massive bonfire of giant MCR t shirts you could use as pajamas. I started crying.

"The preps re-took over the school again!" Desdemona cried.

"I have an idee!" Hot Tolic yelled selectively. She took off her black pentagram GC leather t shirt and her black baggy pants. Draco took off his pants and put his thingie into her you know what. At this point the rest of us were tired of watching them screw so we all watched a goffic movie as they screwed.


End file.
